Halpyourself

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2008-04-18T19:39:00.001-07:00

Could the seeds of peace lie in our brains?

2007-09-26T07:38:00.000-07:00

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/katie-halper/could-the-seeds-of-peace-_b_65885.html

I expected the Global Creative Leadership Summit, whose delegates included five presidents, a prime minister, the Secretary General of NATO, and the president of European Commission, to be informative and enlightening. But I was surprised that the conference, held from Sunday to Tuesday at New York's Metropolitan Club, was so, well, full of surprises: the group was not a monochromatic gang of stodgy old, albeit coup-crafting, white men (after all, Henry Kissinger was there last year), but an array of truly inspiring women and men from around the globe. The Honorable Phoebe Asiyo was a member of Kenya's parliament for 15 years, and now fights for women's rights as chair of The Kenya Women's Political Caucus and Goodwill Ambassador for the UN development fund for Women. As we sat down to lunch, Asiyo took the hand of fellow speaker--and Kenyan--Salim Amin and exclaimed, "You have to do this for Africa. Do it for your father." What Amin is doing is starting Africa 's first ever independent 24-hour news channel. Amin's father is the late Mohamed Amin, a Kenyan photojournalist whose pictures and videos of the famine in Ethiopia raised consciousness around the world and whose life was cut short by a plane hijakcing. During a coffee break, just hours after Asiyo had praised the Amins, Asiyo was karmically praised back. Olara Otunnu who was Uganda's Ambassador and Minister of Foreign Affairs, and is now the president of the LBL Foundation for Children explained to me, " Asiyo "is our inspiration. She is like a mother to us."

Another surprise was that though the discussions were serious, tackling issues from poverty to terrorism, they included comic relief. When, during a panel called "Globalizing the Mind," Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales' microphone ran into interference, panel moderator and International Herald Tribune editor Mike Oreskes figured out the problem. Reaching across Wales, Oreskes grabbed Wales' vibrating cell phone, looked at the screen and announced, "It's your wife." Unlike Giuliani, Wales had the self-restraint to ignore the call. But the cell phone malfunction did leave fellow panelist, Nobel-Laureate Eric Kandel in stitches. In the panel "The Click of a Mouse and the Check in the Box," Craigslist founder Craig Newmark, lauded interactive presidential debates like the Yahoo Huffington Post/ Slate Mashup for engaging ordinary people in politics, but this is merely a first step: "What we really need is something that will call people to task for not answering questions, something like an automated Helen Thomas."

While I imagined I would learn much from the Summit, I never would have predicted that one of the most compelling and powerful political lessons would be delivered not by a statesman or businessman, but by MIT neuroscientist Nancy Kanwisher. This third surprise occurred during a panel called Foreign Policy is a Foreign Concept, which opened with an address by Croatian president, Stjepan Mesić, whose speech on Yugoslavia--its formation, civil war, and dissolution--presented eerie parallels to Iraq. Our very own Arianna Huffington brilliantly explored the power of technology, specifically the net roots, to counter disinformation: disingenuous claims of victory and success in Iraq provoke an immediate online response--including blogging from Baghdad and uploading photographs and videos--that actually reflects reality. Yet, explained Arianna, the Internet is "not the short cut that we might hope for world peace....the seeds of war are deep in nature."

Responding with IM-like speed, Dr. Kanwisher agreed, adding only, "There are also seeds of peace that run deep." As evidence, Kanwisher pointed not to to historical theses or poly sci journals, but to lab reports. Kanwisher explained that empathy, our ability share the emotions and pains of others, is a natural human default mode. Brain imagery demonstrates that when we experience our own pain, certain parts of the brain are activated. When we observe someone else's pain, the area that is activated overlaps with the same area activated by our own pain. Kanwisher cited research conducted by Tania Singer, which illuminates what it is that blocks empathy: when we perceive that someone is acting unfairly, we are less empathetic towards the person. In an experiment, individuals were paired with partners with whom they played games. Some of the partners played fairly, while other partners broke the rules. After playing, the individuals would observe their partners experiencing pain. Brain scans revealed that the person felt more empathy for the partner if the partner had played fair, and less empathy if the partner had cheated.

But what do brain scans have to do with Foreign Policy? According to Kanwisher, these empathy experiments can shed light on the sources of animosity towards the United States. "We have not played fair, we have not been respecting rule of law. So no wonder they don't feel our pain."

Unfortunately, this neuro-science model is all too applicable to the Bush administration, which refuses to play fair, time and time again. From violating Habeas Corpus, to torturing prisoners at Guantanamo Bay and Abu Ghraib, to sending contractors with no accountability into Iraq, the latest and most astonishing example of which is the Blackwater assassination of 11 Iraqi civilians, the U.S. is making it harder for Iraqis--and the larger world community--to empathize with us. As Arianna explained, far from acting as a peace-keeping presence in Iraq, the U.S. occupation only serves to exacerbate the hatred and instability within the country. Expanding on the political implications of empathy, Summit organizer Louise Blouin MacBain reflected on the importance of empathy not just for, but from, the U.S: "It seems like empathy is an overarching theme. I don't believe we should not speak to some countries. Dialog is essential. It's much easier to kill someone you don't know than someone you know."

As the occupation of Iraq appears increasingly intractable and the drum roll for war against Iran grows louder and louder, we would be wise to heed the findings of the empathy experiment. If only Louise MacBain could organize the next G8 summit.

Director's Cut: New Video Shows the Truth in Anbar That Petraeus Does Not Want Us to See

2007-09-21T09:43:00.000-07:00

When Bush was in Iraq two weeks ago, he posed for photographs with Abdul-Sattar Abu Risha, the leader of the Anbar Awakening, an alliance of Sunni tribes who has vowed to back the U.S. and fight al-Qaeda. Last Monday, General Petraeus testified to Congress that "a year ago" Anbar Province "was assessed 'lost' politically....Today, it is a model of what happens when local leaders and citizens decide to oppose al-Qaeda and reject its Taliban-like ideology." Three days later, the assassination of Abu Risha in Ramadi dramatically undercut Bush and Petraeus' claims of peacekeeping.

But what else is the administration keeping from us about Anbar? Rick Rowley, a journalist and independent filmmaker of Big Noise Films, was one of the last people to videotape and interview the Sunni sheikh and his video report, Uncovering the Truth Behind the Anbar Success Story, presents a very different picture of the Anbar Awakening. Rowley, and co-producers David Enders and Hiba Dawood, are the only Western journalists to bring a camera into the refugee camp where the displaced Shiites recount being attacked, bombed, and driven out by the very tribes Petraeus and Bush hail as heroes. Rowley's report, which includes interviews with candid U.S. soldiers and footage of a military commander handing a Sunni leader a wad of cash, highlights the role of bribery and coercion in building alliances that serve short-term goals in Anbar province, but in the long-run deepen a multi-sided civil war. I talked to Rick Rowley about his report and what it indicates about Iraq's future.

What brought you to Iraq and what were you hoping to capture?

We knew that one of the major stories the Army was going to use to justify keeping troops there was the supposed success in Anbar. The first investigation we did was into the Anbar reconciliation program. We spent six weeks crisscrossing Iraq, embedding with different militias to try to get a picture of the state of Iraq during the surge.

You were the last Western journalists to videotape an interview with Abu Risha. What was he like?

He seemed stiff and scripted. He told us some incredible lies during the interview. Three times he said he was the leader of all the Arab tribes of Iraq -- both Shiia and Sunni. And like a bad poker player's tell, every time he told a lie, he sniffed loudly.

He was a figurehead for a movement, the face they put on this story. Operationally, militarily, he wasn't particularly important. In his interview with us he said there was 100 percent security in Ramadi, that he was head of all of the tribes in Iraq. That has proven, in a horrifying way, to not be true. His assassination has blown a hole in the American story about security in Anbar. it's going to have a chilling effect on other tribes in other parts of the country who were thinking it might be safe to work with the Americans.

Bush and Petraeus are hailing our alliance with Sunni tribes in Anbar. Can you tell us about these "freedom fighters" the U.S. is now allied with?

There have been a lot of reports about the fact that the people who the U.S. is working with, the supposed "freedom fighters," the "counter-insurgents" are former insurgents. They were Iraqi al-Qaeda before they started working with the Americans. That is troubling because if they were fighting the Americans once they'll fight Americans again. And more troubling for the future of Iraq is the fact that many of the tribes that the U.S. is working with are war criminals who are directly responsible for ethnic cleansing and who are using American support to prepare for sectarian civil war. The U.S. is funding Sunni militias. They already funded the Shia militias. They're now funding all sides of this sectarian war.

How did you discover that the Sunni militias with whom the U.S. is working are engaged in sectarian violence?

We embedded with the Americans for a week and we found that in the town Fallahat, where there used to a lot of Shia, there are now no Shia. So we tracked down the displaced Shia families and found them living on the outskirts of Baghdad in a refugee camp that no western media and certainly no camera crews have ever filmed. There are no services, no doctors, no hospitals, no schools, no running water, no work, no sanitation. People have to walk, in some cases, for miles to just get polluted tap water out of hoses. People who have tried to return home to pick up their rations have been killed on the highway. So no one can leave.

The refugees we talked to knew the names of the people who had kicked them out and bombed their houses. And they are exactly the same tribes the Americans are working with. So the people the Americans are working with are responsible for sectarian ethnic cleansing. Malaki's head of negotiations with Sunni groups told us the groups the Americans are working with include some of the country's worst war criminals, responsible for beheadings and mass executions.

Even if these militias are responsible for this violence, how do we know that the U.S. military knows this? Is it possible they don't?

We have proof that the Americans should know it. The American soldiers set their core operating base in a house they knew used to be inhabited by Shia. And all the Shia were gone. So it's just whether they decided to ask the obvious question or not.

How does what Petraeus and Bush are saying contrast with what you saw and filmed on the ground?

The story that Petraeus and Bush are saying is fantastic -- a Lawrence of Arabia figure named Abu Risha rose out of the desert and behind him the noble tribes of Anbar rose up and they kicked out al Qaeda. Well, it's safer for American soldiers there but it's not safer for the Shia citizens there. The U.S. is funding sectarian militias fighting in a civil war in order to momentarily decrease attacks on Americans.

And how, exactly, is the U.S. supporting the militias?

The soldiers on the ground aren't hiding anything. They were amazingly open and honest about the whole process with us. Through a combination of threats, and enticements, like money, releasing their kids from prison, the U.S. military has gotten groups to join a coalition. They're paid money for small construction projects and they're eventually incorporated into the Iraqi police force where they're armed and paid, given a gun, a badge and the power to arrest.

There have been reports that some Americans army units are directly giving them weapons. I didn't see anyone give an M16 to anyone. But I did see a U.S. captain hand wads of cash to militiamen who were guarding checkpoints. Petraeus says they're not supplying guns. That might be true. But saying the U.S. military is just applauding from the sidelines and not providing material support to these militias is a lie.

Why would the U.S. want to support these militias?

It's an easy way to produce immediate statistical successes on the ground, a decrease in attacks on American soldiers. And this is a long-term strategy. Petraeus came in with Negroponte with the so-called "Salvador Option" for Iraq, arming death squads to kill insurgents as the Reagan administration did in the 1980s in El Salvador. In 2004 he incorporated all of the Shia militias into the Iraqi security forces and basically created Shia death squads and secret torture prisons we've all heard stories of. Now they're funding Sunni militias and Sunni death squads.

To be fair and balanced?

Because the Shia don't control Anbar. And because they're worried about some of the elements of the Shia militias too. In the last couple of years there's been another bifurcation. It's not just Sunni vs. Shiite anymore. It's truly staggering that there are so many different civil wars being fought simultaneously. There's a Sunni on Sunni civil war, a Shia on Shia war, a Shia Sunni civil war, an inter-Kurdish struggle and a struggle between the Kurds and the Arabs.

Are we letting them kill each other so they don't kill American soldiers over there?

I don't know. Ascribing motive to people is always difficult. I think it's a systemic thing. When counterinsurgency fails, civil war is the next option. Another way of saying it is divide and conquer. In 2004 when Americans were defeated on the ground, when they had to fight a two-front war against a Shia insurgency in Najaf and a Sunni insurgency in Falluja, from that point on the Americans took a strategy of trying to divide the insurgents against each other. They incorporated the Shia militias and turned all their energy against the Sunni. Now they're incorporating another chunk of the Sunni militias.

Given that your films and journalism are critical of the war in Iraq, why did the U.S. Army let you embed?

Anbar is their big success story. They don't think that anyone who comes up there is going to go to the refugee camps and see the other side of it, or going to speak enough Arabic, which David Enders and Hiba Dawood do, to figure out what's going on. I think they were desperate to get people up there. It was all good news to them. And it was truly amazing. We were able to walk in the street and take our flack jackets off in a neighborhood, which just six months ago, had been one of the most dangerous places in the country, where tanks couldn't even go. And that image is the image they wanted to circulate. Of course that's only possible because the people who were shooting at them six months ago are now on the payroll.

How has the media been picking up your story?

It's on Al Jazeera English which 65 million households see. And internationally, reports have picked up on the story from there. But in the States, it's only been picked up by outlets like Democracy Now! and the Pacifica stations. There's a lot of noise now, everyone's talking. There are so many lies in Petraeus' report that it's hard to focus on just one.

When they do discuss Iraq, the U.S. media, politicians, Americans in general are more focused on what's going to have a direct impact on U.S. soldiers than on Iraqis. Do you think they see this as their issue, their problem? Something that is irrelevant, or eclipsed by the fact that fewer American soldiers are shot?

If Americans ever want their soldiers to leave then they have to deal with this civil war that we are stoking. Short-term gains for the American army are obvious; there will be fewer attacks on Americans in the short-run. But the Shia refugees are not able to return to their homes and as long as you have these misery belts with millions of people living in cinder block houses with no services, no water, you're going to have a continual engine that drives violence and you're just making the problem more intractable in the long run. This is a huge problem nationwide, there are four-six million refugees in Iraq who have been forced to flee their homes because of sectarian violence. It's making the problem infinitely more intractable. It's making it impossible to leave. We're arming both sides of the civil war. The longer we're there the worse the civil war will become. And the worse it will be when we leave. And the more cataclysmic the civil war will be once the U.S. leaves.

What do you see as the solution?

The U.S. has to leave immediately. Overwhelmingly, that's what Iraqis want, what Americans want. And if you look at the most reliable opinion poles, a recent ABC/ BBC pole shows a massive drop in support for American presence. Iraqis are saying the situation has worsened since the surge. And more want the Americans to leave immediately.

Here is more from Uncovering the Truth Behind the Anbar Success Story:

Could Ted Haggard be Larry Craig's Knight in Shining, but "Completely heterosexual," Armor?

2007-09-11T21:15:00.000-07:00

Dear Senator Craig,

Congratulations! Yesterday, a Minnesota court granted your request to withdraw your guilty plea! But I'm still worried about you. At first I was sure you were straight as an arrow, framed by those determined to silence the Singing Senators, the quartet that sings truth to power whose reunion concert curiously took place a night after the sex sting. But then as the Republicans turned on you, doubt started to creep into my faith in your heterosexuality. And your recent behavior, pleading guilty and then withdrawing your plea, resigning and then reconsidering, suggests a strong bi-curious tendency that worries me.

But it's not too late to get your life back on track! You can't do it alone, though, and I think I know just the person to help you.

You may know Pastor Ted already, but if not, you should reach out to him ASAP. You two have so much in common. You are a family values-defending, homosexual agenda-fighting, god-fearing, married-with-children, conservative Republican who sometimes plays footsie with men in public bathrooms. He is a family values-defending, homosexual agenda-fighting, god-fearing, married-with-children conservative Republican who sometimes pays for massages and crystal meth (which he throws away before using) from male escorts. As a senator, you vote against protecting gays from hate crimes and for a constitutional ban on same-sex marriage. As a pastor, he preaches against homosexuality and same-sex marriage. You are both close to George Bush. Ted used to talk to the President once a week!

So you can trust his advice and follow his example. After Mike Jones came forward and announced he’d had a three-year long, sex and drug-filled relationship with Pastor Ted, Haggard confessed to being "guilty of sexual immorality." After being fired from the New Life Church, Ted attended a 12 step "spiritual restoration" program and emerged, a mere three weeks later, "completely heterosexual." And you can too, Senator Craig! Who knows how to deal with your particular dilemma— trying to save America from the sinning gays, but kind of sinning yourself—better than Ted? He's been there, done that! And, Ted, along with his wife, is going back to college for a degree in counseling, which will make him even more equipped to save others, starting with you!

Before Ted can help you, though, you need to help Ted. You see, as he explained in a recent letter, "It looks as though it will take two years for us to have adequate earning power again, so we are looking for people who will help us monthly for two years." He cannot survive on the $115,000 plus a $85,000 bonus he made last year, the $138,000 in severance pay through 2007, and the royalties from his literary ouvre, which includes which The Jerusalem Diet:The "One Day" Approach to Reach Your Ideal Weight--and Stay There
and From This Day Forward: Making Your Vows Last a Lifetime, which he co-wrote with his wife Gayle. What is Ted supposed to do? Sell his $715,000 Colorado Springs home? I don't think so.

According to Ted, any financial help be will "rewarded in Heaven." You can make a tax deductible donation to Pastor Ted through the organization Families With A Mission. They'll receive 10% of the donation, but that's OK because they are a worthy cause too, directed by Paul Huberty, an upstanding patriotic military man who was married with three children when his career was cut short by multiple sex crimes convictions, including sexually assaulting a minor and "dishonorably fondling his genitals." It's clear Huberty has spiritually recovered because the outgoing message on his answering machine says "God Bless You." So what are you waiting for Senator Craig? Donate today! In turn, heaven aside, you will have the best earthly guide to get your life back on the straight and narrow.

Now Larry (may I call you, Larry?) the liberals, as usual, have it all backwards. They think you and Pastor Ted are hypocrites. They don't mind that you're gay, they mind that while you preach homophobia on the one hand you practice homosexuality on the other. Well, I don't think you two are hypocrites. I think that when you're carrying the moral weight of the world on your Atlas-like shoulders, shielding America and our values with one hand, and spearing the homosexual agenda with another, it's easy to slip up with your other body parts. So, whatever you do Larry, don't come out of the closet or abandon your committed stance against the gays. Straighten yourself, and America, out one anti-gay bill at a time.

P.S. Remember you don't want to end up a "bad, dirty, nasty boy."

Lessons from Bush's Bio

2007-09-10T19:58:00.000-07:00

Reading Bush's biography Dead Certain: The Presidency of George W. Bush is a truly enlightening experience.

Now we have known that the President has a penchant for nicknames.

Nickname for Alberto Gonzalez: "Fredo"
I think because Bush thought his name was Alfredo.

Nickname for Karl Rove: "Turd Blossom"
Because of his Turd Blossom hip-hop move

Nickname for Vladimir Putin: "Pootie-Poot" Because after you say this about someone: "I looked the man in the eye. I was able to get a sense of his soul," not using a nickname just makes no sense.

And now, thanks to Dead Certain, we know that Bush has a nickname for Dick Cheney. Referring to the decision to "mission accomplish" Iraq, Bush says: "This group-think of 'we all sat around and decided' -- there's only one person that can decide, and that's the president."

So, now we can add Bush's nickname for Dick Cheney: "the president."

You Don’t Have to be a Miner to be a Mine Hero

2007-09-04T19:52:00.000-07:00

I was sure that the Liberal, Jewish, Gay, Vegan media would spend Labor Day podcasting renditions of the Internationale and running old footage of the Crandall Canyon accident in their ongoing attack on American and corporate values. I was wrong on both counts, the holiday passing with little media attention to workers and their “grievances” old and new. This leaves us free to celebrate true heroes, not your union-made Joe Hills and Mother Joneses, but unsung modern heroes of the mines, who eschew martyrdom yet sacrifice so much. I speak of Secretary of Labor Elaine Chao, and MSHA president Richard Stickler, and, of course, CEO Robert Murray. To them I present the Awards for Non-Miner Mine Heroes. Because you don’t have to be a miner to be a mine hero.

I announce these awards just hours before the Senate holds what it calls an "investigatory hearing" -- and what I call a witch hunt-- on "The Utah Mine Disaster and Preventing Future Tragedies." Ironically, and undoubtedly, the heroes praised on these pages will be the scapegoats slandered on the hill."

Bronze Non-Miner Mine Hero Award goes to Elaine Chao. Hers is the typical American story of reward for hard work. The daughter of a shipping magnate, Chao left China for the United States in 1961 . She has labored as a banker, sweated as Bank of America vice-president, and worked herself to the bone at the conservative think tank The Heritage Foundation. She toiled tirelessly to raise $100,000 for George Bush, which earned her the honor of being a “Bush Pioneer.” Chao generously shared the keys to the kingdom of job security in an interview this summer: “American employees must be punctual, dress appropriately and have good personal hygiene…. They need anger-management and conflict-resolution skills, and they have to be able to accept direction.” Chao has already moved to organize an “independent” probe into the mine collapse, which, the indefatigable Chao will personally oversee, even if it cuts into time with her husband, Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell, who received $100,000 in campaign contributions from CEO Murray. Like so many great non-miner mine heroes, Chao is now being persecuted by OCD senators like Ted Kennedy, who is demanding that Chao hand over a ridiculous number of documents related to the Crandall Canyon accident.

Silver Non-Miner Mine Hero Award goes to Richard Stickler. The head of the Mine Safety and Health Administration isn’t named Stickler for nothing. Stickler has dedicated many years to the mines as a high-level executive, and it is this, no doubt, that allows him to creatively interpret the MINER safety act passed after the Sago mine tragedy. For instance, Stickler allows mine operators to meet deadlines by ordering safety equipment (like additional breathing devices), and not having it be on hand. Stickler’s qualifications outweigh the fact that a mine under his supervision had injury rates three times the national average and racked up 3,000 safety violations. Stickler is so bipartisanly respected in Washington that Bush appointed him during a recess after congress had twice rejected Stickler’s nomination. In true stickler character, Stickler is aggressively investigating the collapse: “We want to see if we can get an inkling if there may have been an indication there was a problem before this event.” I’m sure the Stickler means a sign that is more substantial than the cave-in that occurred in Crandall Canyon in March, which he knew about, but did not report, violating federal law. It’s no surprise that Stickler is being slandered by bleeding heart liberals like Arlen Spector, who say Stickler is not “the right man for the job” and cry baby Ted Kennedy, who is

particularly troubled by reports that roof failures, similar in kind to the August 6 collapse, previously occurred in sections of the mine where retreat mining was being conducted, and that this roof failure may not have been reported to MSHA regulators as required by law.

Of course, rather than being allowed to continue his already scrupulous investigation, Stickler will be dragged off to today's hearing and bombarded with endless rounds of questions.

Gold Non-Miner Mine Hero Award goes, of course, to Robert Murray. Like so many activists before him, Murray has many enemies, including several senators who, I'm sure, will attempt to crucify the CEO during today's hearings. Having gulped the liberal media’s poisonous Kool-Aid, Robert’s own workers have turned against him and “Lil Bob” piñatas are selling like hotcakes in both the U.S. and Mexico. An understandably outraged Murray responded to the Utah Republican Governor, who had called his behavior “unconscionable” and demanded inspections of all of Murray’s mines, by sending the Governor a “personal and confidential” letter threatening to cut Utah mine jobs if the governor continued to treat him like his “whipping boy.” And sure enough, four days later, Murray laid off 270 workers from his other Utah mine, explaining to the workers that the noisy governor, the “unfair” Salt Lake Tribune, and the vicious Ted Kennedy were responsible for the Tower Mine closing.

Murray insists the collapse was “totally unforeseen by anyone” and brought on by an earthquake and not retreat mining.

Yet there is evidence to the contrary: A similar incident in March caused a delay in mining – which was never reported to the MSHA, though required by federal law. Murray Co. repeatedly (and successfully) petitioned the MSHA for permission to do retreat mining in areas the previous company had left alone because it deemed that mining in the area would be too dangerous for “personnel and the environment.”

Before making the awards decision, I had to reconcile the words of this compassionate CEO with the facts that have surfaced. Liberal conspiracy theorists claim Robert Murray is a liar who puts profits over people, whose greed, unchecked by a complicit Bush administration, has resulted in the death of hard-working miners. And yet the truth, as always, is far more complicated and nuanced. Far from killing and injuring his workers through his ruthless avarice, Robert Murray is, himself, an injured worker, the victim of an occupational hazard, an on the job injury: early onset dementia. It is because Murray so identifies with his workers that, while his body is healthy, his soul is with his six missing employees suffocated and crushed in the depths of the Crandall Canyon mine. Murray is not lying about the retreat mining and the change in mining plans. He forgot about them. He did not invent an earthquake. He experienced it in his demented state.

Of course, my heart goes out to the six missing miners and the three miners who died while trying to rescue them. But these miners are gone. And besides, they have received more than enough attention and sympathy from the media, the church, and the self- serving unions, which are attempting to exploit this tragedy in order to organize miners so that tragedies like this do not happen again. After the accident, in fact, the family members asked the union to represent them. Luckily, the always impartial MSHA has said that only the miners themselves can ask to be represented. I guess the miners should have thought about that before they entered the mine for the last time on August 6th. While we must honor their memory, we must heal the victim who is still alive: Robert Murray. I hope the Non-Minor Mine Hero Gold Award helps to heal his battered soul and brain.

UPDATE: I have just learned that Robert Murray will not be testifying at Wednesday's Senate hearing on mine safety. As usual, Murray is thinking not of himself, but of his workers, explaining he would not be able to “give the situation in Utah the proper attention it needs if I have to travel to Washington to testify.” I like to think that receiving the GNMH (Gold Non-Miner Mine Hero) award emboldened the principled CEO to defy the Senate's Big Brother meddling. Even though we won’t be able to see Murray testify today, we can always see him testify here.

My Durst Time: Talking with Comic Will Durst about the All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing

2007-08-31T10:44:00.000-07:00

Will Durst is a San Francisco-based comic, pundit, and “Quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” He and I first met when we performed at a Laughing Liberally show in LA.

A year later, we got a chance to reconnect in New York, where Will is making everybody laugh with his new one-man show Will Durst: The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing. From left to right and everywhere in between, from the New York Times to the New York Post, the critics are raving.

When we met on Manhattan's Upper West Side, Durst was reading the sports section over a cup of black coffee. No doubt he had finished reading the latest issue of the Nation magazine and drunk his chai-organic-double-vegan-latte before I got there. But he wasn't fooling me. And soon we were talking about getting flipped off by Olympia Dukakis, helping the terrorists win, necrophilia and other things liberals enjoy.

Katie Halper: Why do you hate America?

Will Durst: I'm not an America-hater, I'm an America-lover. Dissent is the ultimate patriotic act. Just like every liberal commie pinko weenie says.

Halper: When did you start hating America?

Durst: I started loving America right away. Free water. Water fountains everywhere. Refrigerated, cold, refreshing water. You try getting that anywhere else. Try getting that in France, not gonna happen. Go head, I dare you. It's $5.

Halper: Funny, I was going ask you why you don't move to France. But I guess it's the whole water thing. Anyway, you have moments of redemption when you praise Bush, calling him a father figure.

Durst: He has been like a father to me. Just in terms of providing.

Halper: So he's a good provider?

Durst: Yes, not just a decider and a commuter; he's also a provider. Not just for me, but for editorial cartoonists, columnists, anyone with a speck of consciousness. He is very fecund and fertile.

Halper: He is very virile.

Durst: He's like a rising tide. The rising tide of Bush lifts all boats. It's a wonderful rain, it's a hard rain.

Halper: I saw Olympia Dukakis sitting right in front of me in the theater [at your show] and I knew I was in a scary place: a theater in New York, a woman who represents the unholy alliance between the Hollywood elite and liberals. But I was impressed when you got into a hissing match with her. Because anyone who hisses at a Dukakis is a friend of mine.

Durst: Yeah, I told a tough joke about Hillary, which I thought was fair, and then she hissed at me. I got her back on my side by doing the second part of the joke. I didn't know it was Olympia Dukakis at the time. But then when she came backstage, I recognized her. "Oh, my living god. I got heckled by an Oscar winner."

Halper: I think you got flipped the bird too.

Durst: Oh really? She flipped me off?

Halper: Yeah. How does it feel being flipped off by a Democrat?

Durst: Well somebody's gotta do it. I feel like Dennis Miller.

Halper: You make fun of Arnold Schwarzenegger for signing a law outlawing having sex with corpses. Why do you want to legalize necrophilia?

Durst: It's a freedom issue. Like the sanctity of life. It fits into the whole pro-life thing. It's actually part of the pro-life movement.

Halper: Right, the right-to-lifers for necrophilia. And then you're not wasting the seed either.

Durst: Right. Although I'm not sure exactly how that fits in, so to speak.

Halper: In your show you provide immigrants and terrorists with a plan for getting across the border. Why do you help the terrorists win?

Durst: I am of two minds about putting that portion in the show. I understand it could be considered aiding and abetting the enemy to let them know they could go around the 700-mile-long, 16-foot-high wall that covers a 1,952 mile-long border. Or they could bring a ladder. But since they have already started building tunnels, they probably already thought of it. But I really hope that you don't make a big deal of it. Maybe you shouldn't even print this.

Halper: What do you think that political comics can achieve?

Durst: I think we can distill what seem to be incredibly complex questions into something any audience member can understand. They don't have to be a poly-sci major. You can empower them to know that their opinion is important. There's no way that people are going to become enlightened. You're usually preaching to the choir. But it's nice to get the choir to sing. Especially after we've been used as human dart boards for the last six and a half years.

It's funny because there was a time when you couldn't do jokes about Bush. Even though we were, starting on Jan. 21st, 2001. Then Sept. 11th happened, and you couldn't touch him. It was seen as unpatriotic; we were involved in a war. Then Katrina happened. And taking on Bush became fashionable, and now it's considered old hat. We had a window of 18 months for Christ's sake when it was OK. And then it was, "Oh no, Bush is low-hanging fruit," or, "Everybody bashes Bush." Fuck you! We haven't hit him hard enough, and we're gonna hit him until ... until he dies, OK, until he dies, and we'll keep hitting, and then that still won't be enough.

Halper: And then you'll have sex with him?

Durst: Exactly, goes back to the Schwarzenegger law.

Halper: We've really come full circle. Speaking of dead people and perverts, let's go back to the Democrats. My favorite part of the show, obviously, is when you focus on your Clintons, your Kerries, your Dukaki. More of your thoughts on them?

Durst: The Democrats seem more interested in getting re-elected than they are in changing anything for the better. When Gore ducked the Kansas Board of Education teaching intelligent design along with evolution and said, "Children should be exposed to varying theories," I just wanted to dick-slap him, I really did. And he would have had to have been very close, and I understand that. Not that I don't believe in Giselle the Mountain Sprite. She's from where all things flow. She's my goddess.

Halper: Do you renew the show every day with new news stories and headlines?

Durst: I try to. There was a quote from yesterday about dog fighting, and I'm chomping at the bit, so to speak, to put it in the show tonight.

Halper: And how do you actually get your news?

Durst: First I wake up at noon. Then I have to clear all the potato chip bags and beer cans that are covering the floor.

Halper: And the copies of the Nation?

Durst: Of course. Then I find a phrase that I love, and I try to come up with a punch line. I'm all one-liners. They're strung on top of each other so that hopefully the previous punch line is a set up for the next joke. It's piggybacking, which is a timing that I learned works because if you wanna do political comedy in Stockton, Calif., at Uncle Chuckles Fun Hut, then you have to learn how to get them to shut up.

There are about four places where we can work and people really know what we're talking about. N.Y., San Francisco, D.C., Boston. And I don't blame people because it's such a morass, it's so ugly, it's hard to keep up. The names are constantly changing. The circus remains the same, but the clowns are different. So I don't blame people if they don't know what I'm talking about. They have families, jobs, they have a life. It's our job to keep up on this shit and try to put it in terms they understand.

Halper: Was your comedy always political?

Durst: When I started doing standup in 1974, there was the Vietnam War and everything was, "We're gonna fight the man, man." Now, we are the man, man. But everything was political then. High school arithmetic was political. Of course in Wisconsin we didn't get the '60s until about 1974 anyway.

Halper: Was there one thing in particular that politicized you?

Durst: There were some riots in Milwaukee. I actually got run over by a horse. I was there for the chicks. That's what everyone went to rallies for no matter what they say. That was about as political as I got. I was never a big Weatherman kinda guy. I thought blowing shit up to protest blowing shit up was kinda oxymoronic.

Halper: Why a show and not just standup?

Durst: Bigger canvas, more paint, and with writing you can plant a seed in the first paragraph and follow it until it blooms in the last paragraph. That's something I can do with the show. I can take my time between laughs. I always thought I was more literary than most comics. Which doesn't mean they're not smart. Comics are smart. They have a lot going on in their minds. Most are ADHD.

Halper: Are you?

Durst: I dunno. When I was a kid, I was hyper. They started feeding me coffee at the age of 10. That was a popular therapy at the time, over-amping the kid to short-circuit him.

Halper: What's the worst thing that ever happened to you at a show?

Durst: A guy threw his prosthetic leg at me. He was trying to be funny. I held it up. Then I had a glass ash tray shatter behind me on the wall. The woman said she threw it because she was laughing so hard. Then I had a guy taken out on a stretcher because he had a heart attack right before I went on stage. I had a corporate gig the week after 9/11 for a law firm in Palo Alto, and they had an office in the World Trade Center and had just lost 16 people. So they had a moment of silence, and then they brought me on stage. I swear to fucking god.

Another time, this guy started yelling at me, and I couldn't hear him. And someone was taping the show, so he rushed at the camera and tried to grab it and had to be escorted out. It turns out he was an out-of-work right-wing talk show host. So he's calling all the radio stations in Sacramento and saying he was molested by the club staff, saying his freedom of speech was violated. Nobody would return his calls. Another time someone was going to beat me up in a club, but he got into a fight with someone who liked me, and they beat each other up. Good times.

Halper: Are you going to be sad at the end of Bush's term?

Durst: No. Because we're gonna get to know so much about the next person. Some people predicted the demise of political humor after Bill Clinton. Everything was below the belt. Every two-bit hack in America took his dick jokes and made them presidential dick jokes. Corporate gigs loved it when I would take on Clinton. I lost a lot of corporate gigs after Clinton. It's not so funny when you take on the boy king.

Halper: Who was your biggest influence?

Durst: Lenny Bruce. I used to listen to him before I went on stage. I read his autobiography, How to Talk Dirty. And there are great political comics out there. You were hysterical the other night. And there's Lee Camp, Costaki, David Feldman, Johnny Steel, Barry Weintraub. Marga Gomez is my hero. I worked with Mort Sahl a few months ago. He's great. He's 80 years old and his opening line was, "If Paris Hilton goes to jail, will that rob her life of meaning?"

Halper: What are you hoping your show will accomplish?

Durst: Driving a nail through capitalism.

***

Will Durst: The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing is now playing at New World Stages, 340 W. 50th St., Manhattan, (212) 239-6200. It is presented by Hanging Chad Productions, Jennifer Sachs and Allen Spivak; and directed by Eric Krebs; and it features a production design by Peter Feuchtwanger. For tickets go to Telecharge.com or call 212-239-6200.

Breaking News! Perry Caves in to anti-Death Penalty Nuts

2007-08-31T10:40:00.000-07:00

UPDATE: Yesterday, the Texas Board of Pardons and Paroles voted six-to-one to commute Kenneth Foster's death sentence and Governor Rick Perry commuted the sentence to life in jail. Guess the governor didn't get my letter on time. Oh well, Texas still has 23 more executions before the year is over.

Do Not Not Kill an Innocent Man

2007-08-29T20:31:00.000-07:00

Dear Governor Perry,

First of all, happy belated happy 400th execution day! It seems like only yesterday that Texas reinstated the death penalty, and yet you have managed to execute 400 people since 1982. Oops, scratch that, you killed DaRoyce Mosley Tuesday night, so make that 401 people, right? Actually, by the time you get this letter, you may have killed your 402nd inmate, John Amador, scheduled for August 29th. Or you may even have killed the 403rd person, Kenneth Foster, scheduled to die August 30th. As you know, Kenneth Foster’s fate is in your hands. In 1996, when Michael LaHood was fatally shot, of course, the man who pulled the trigger was not Foster, but Mauriceo Brown. And sure, Foster was inside a car at the time of the murder. Sure, 80 feet away from the crime scene, he was unaware of what Brown was up to. And sure, Amnesty International says,

In essence, Kenneth Foster has been sentenced to death for leaving his crystal ball at home. There is no concrete evidence demonstrating that he could know a murder would be committed. Allowing his life to be taken is a shocking perversion of the law.

The law of parties allows anyone involved in anyway in a crime to be found as guilty as the person who committed the crime. Texas is unique because it applies this law to death penalty cases. In other words, Texas is so special, it will execute you for a crime it admits you did not commit.

I know you have received letters from leftist anarchist wing bats like Archbishop Tutu, Jimmy Carter, and the European Union who are trying to bully you into granting a stay of execution. So I wanted to write you my own letter, urging you to hold your ground. Stay strong Mr. Governor! I so admire how you stood up to those EU girly boys, telling them,

230 years ago, our forefathers fought a war to throw off the yoke of a European monarch and gain the freedom of self-determination. Texans long ago decided that the death penalty is a just and appropriate punishment for the most horrible crimes committed against our citizens. While we respect our friends in Europe, welcome their investment in our state and appreciate their interest in our laws, Texans are doing just fine governing Texas.

Who cares what the EU pansies think? When it comes to the death penalty, you are in good company. Some of the most freedom-loving countries-- Saudi Arabia, China, Iran, Zimbabwe—have capital punishment. I, like yourself, am a traditionalist and love your argument that “the people of Texas decided a long time ago that the death penalty was a good idea.” After all, Texas has a long proud history of old noble decisions going back to the War of Northern Aggression.

And, of course, "Texans are doing just fine governing Texas," representing its people and defending their interests. I think the Texan record speaks for itself. You are number one in percentage of uninsured, and number two in non-immunized children and teenage pregnancy. You are number five in poverty AND child poverty (no fair!)

Mr. Governor, I'm sure your used to people accusing the Death Penalty of being racist. And of the three men killed/ to be killed this week, one was black and one was Latino. But, out of the 10 upcoming executions, one of them is white.

Governor Perry, when you feel yourself faltering, just remember the strong gubernatorial roots that ground and nourish you. President George Bush, arguably Texas’s greatest governor, executed 152 people in his unique caring way. In his page-turning autobiography A Charge to Keep, Bush wrote, "I take every death penalty case seriously and review each case carefully.... Each case is major because each case is life or death." Bush took the cases so seriously, that he would even read the clemency pleas, according to his then legal council Alberto Gonzalez, "from time to time". Signing 152 death sentences was so stressful for Bush, sometimes the poor governor had to resort to impersonating death row inmates’ pleas for clemency in order to decompress.

So please listen to reason, Mr. Governor, your own reason: "Texans long ago decided that the death penalty is a just and appropriate punishment for the most horrible crimes committed against our citizens." Like sitting in your car and not being clairvoyant.

Sincerely, Katie Halper

To tell Governor Perry what you think about Kenneth Foster’s case, call 512-463-2000, fax (512) 463-1849 and visit here.

And call the Board of Pardons and Paroles today!

Rissie Owens
(512) 936-6351
(936) 291-2161

Charles Aycock
806-359-7656

Linda Garcia
979-849-3031

Jose L. Aliseda,
210-564-3721

Juanita Gonzalez
254-865-8870

Conrith Davis
936-291-2161

Jackie DeNoyelles
903-723-1068

Who Framed Larry Craig?

2007-08-27T22:42:00.001-07:00

The real tragedy behind Craig’s arrest: the death of the Singing Senators

Today is a terrible day for America, public bathrooms, a cappella music everywhere. The arrest of Senator Larry Craig by an undercover police officer for lewd conduct in a public men's bathroom is the final nail in the coffin in which rots the once vibrant barbershop quartet known as the Singing Senators. Also called the Vocal Majority, the Singing Senators, or SS, consisted of John Ashcroft, baritone; Trent Lott, bass; Jim Jeffords, tenor; and Larry Craig, lead. The quartett’s beginning were as humble as the senators themselves. They started out harmonizing to Happy Birthday at the birthday party of fellow Republican senator Bob Packwood a framee in his own right, who would be forced to resign over sexual harassment charges based on bogus evidence like his diary and accusations from 11 different people. The crooners had their formal debut at the Kennedy Center and then went on to record an album Let Freedom Sing in Nashville and perform on the Today Show. As their popularity skyrocketted, The SS started performing more frequently, raising millions of dollars for Republican causes and charities. They may have sounded in tune, but something was out of key. And that was Jim Jeffords, who became an Independent, betraying not only the GOP but the SS. Days before Jeffords defected, a hopeful Lott predicted Jefford would stay in the party “After all, I mean, what would we do in the future about the Ainging Senators? We need Jim to be part of that harmony.” But Jeffords abandoned the quartet, and in a flash the Singing Senators were over, a blast from the past. Lott never saw it coming.

But Craig would not be silenced and, the quartet’s lead, used to leading, launched a solo career, writing his own songs, the most notable perhaps, an homage to Judge Samuel Alito, (to the tune of the West Side Story's "Maria"

The most beautiful sound I’ve ever heard/Alito, Alito/Alito, I just met a judge named Alito/And suddenly the name will never be the same/Alito, Bush just picked a judge named Alito/Alito, say it proud, that Republican saying/Say it soft and there’s Democrats praying/Alito, may the Senate confirm Alito.

Singing was just to fun for this Senator to give up. As Craig explained to Senator John Thune, whom he tried to recruit to the SS, “You’ve got to let your hair down and enjoy it.”

Then finally, only 2 moths ago, on June 12, after a 6-year hiatus, the Singing Senators made a comeback! Purged of the defecting Jeffords, their sound was purer and the trio was tighter. Craig explained, “We’re not a quartet any longer. We’re a trio, and there are a lot of good reasons for that.” Singing at a fundraiser for the Congressional Coalition of Adoption Institute, the three singing senators performed God Bless America, country and gospel tunes, and the sexy Oak Ridge Boys hit American Made:

She looks good in her tight blue jeans /she bought in Mexico/ And she loves wearing French perfume everywhere we go/ But when it comes to the lovin' heart/ one thing is true/ My Baby's genuine "U.S.A." / red white and blue/ From her silky long hair to her sexy long legs/ My baby is "American Made".

The SS had performed with the Oak Ridge Boys in 1997, so singing American Made marked a 10 year anniversary of Christian jamming.

Here's where things get fishy. This reunion show took place on Tuesday June 12. The arrest of Larry Craig took place on June 11th, one day before! And the arrest report was enetered on June 12th just hours before the reunion concert would kick off. A coincidence? Or a vast left-wing conspiracy? The reunion concert had to have been widely publicized through the series of tubes that is the internets. And the arrest was surely an attempt to silence Craig and the Singing Senators. The former rancher, family values conservative Idaho senator is said to have solicited gay sex in an airport bathroom. And yet, Craig is so straight, he voted for a constitutional amendment banning same sex marriage(sorry Mary cheney), opposes including homosexuals in hate crime legislation. And he’s so not gay that when he was accused of being involved in a sex scandal involing male pages he said that made him “Mad as hell.”

Which sounds pretty macho to me. If he’s gay, why did he preemptively release a statement saying he wasn’t when he hadn’t been implicated in the scandal anyway? Sheesh. What could be less gay?

It looks like someone wants to shut up the Singing Senators.... only this time... for good.

The Barbersop ensemble, be it quartet or trio, is the most wholsome, most patriotic of all American all-male a cappella singing traditions. The values, the freedom-loving, and the irresistible melodies and rthyms of the SS threaten the liberal, gay, Jewish, vegan establishment bent on bringing down America.

Well, they may be able to stop the Singing Senators. They may be able to frame Craig. They may be able to persecute Lott, destroy his porch and put racist words in his mouth. They may be able to recruit Jim Jeffords. But nothing, not even pancreatis or Gonzolezean hospital-room harassment can bring down John Ashcroft. He will sing for the Senators, he will make the Singing Senators Soar.

An Open Letter to Robert E. Murray

2007-08-23T09:37:00.000-07:00

To Robert E. Murray
CEO, Murray Energy Corporation
Address unknown

Dear mine-owner and CEO Murray,

I was touched when you promised that you would "not leave this mine until those men are rescued, dead or alive." So I was extremely worried, having read the headline "Murray's Absence Puzzles Families." A company spokesman said you were "ministering" to the families of the miners, but it turns out the families have not seen you either. The ingrates actually "feel that Bob Murray has abandoned [them]." What these families fail to understand is that your absence is selfless, not selfish. Six years ago, Mayor Rudy Giuliani went down to Ground Zero and was exposed to the "exact same things that [the rescue workers] were." He became "one of them." And today, you, Mr. Murray, with a Rudy-esque valor and empathy, have put yourself in the same position as the little people who work for you, and you too are missing.

Wherever you are, I hope you can hear me and know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I know you must be doing something righteous. You yourself are the first to admit that you fight for "the little guy that nobody cares about." Like the little guys to whom you donate: George "Maccaca" Allen, Katherine Harris, Mitch McConnell and Christopher "Friend of Jack Abramoff" Pombo.

You stand up to special interest groups like Mine Safety. Your friend Senator McConnell happens to be married to Labor secretary Elaine Chao and when an inspector for the Mine Safety Health Administration, which Chao oversees, got out of line, and wouldn't shut up about safety violations, you tactfully reminded him, "Mitch McConnell calls me one of the five finest men in America, and last I checked, he was sleeping with your boss." Luckily, Department of Labor justice is as blind as Department of Justice justice and the uppity safety inspector was transferred and forced into early retirement.

When opportunistic politicians tried to politicize the Sago mine tragedy by passing laws which would protect workers' safety, you stated "I resent these politicians playing politics with my employees' safety because I take the safety of my miners to bed with me every night." When the most opportunistic of all, that senator from New York, Hillary Clinton, said America needs a President who is "pro-labor and will appoint people who actually care about workers' rights and workers' safety" you had the balls of coal to call her "anti-American."

When tragedy struck you experienced a state of denial only felt by those who are at one with the little miners. At a press conference following the collapse you insisted "there's no emergency here," and threatened to call off the conference unless helicopters flying overhead were removed. You are a believer and explained "the lord has already decided whether they're alive or dead and whether they were killed from the percussion from the earthquake. But it's up to Bob Murray and my management to get the access to them as quickly as we can."

The liberal, Jewish, gay, vegan media is claiming that retreat mining, the fictitious method in which miners pull down the last standing pillars of coal and let the roof fall in, caused the collapse. Retreat mining sounds pretty safe to me, and it's only killed thirteen people in the last seven years. Talk about conspiracy theories! You know that the unfortunate accident had nothing to do with alleged "dangerous mining conditions." And you swear that "this was caused by an earthquake, not something that Murray Energy or our management did. It was a natural disaster....And I'm going to prove it to you." Government seismologists argue there was no way this was an earthquake, but who are we going to believe? A bunch of nerds who have nothing better to do than get PhDs in seismology? Or you, a man who knows it's all up to G-d any way.

This isn't the first time you have used your organic grasp of science to take on pseudo-science. You called global warming a myth and "Albert" Gore "the shaman of global goofiness and gloom and doom" responsible for "the destruction of American lives and more death as a result of his hysterical global goofiness with no environmental benefit."

Because you are an outspoken defender of coal rights, because you speak truth to power, and truth to mishigas like global warming and non-earthquake induced collapses, you are persecuted by those who harp on harmless minutiae: the 2,787 violations, $2.4 million proposed fines, and accident rates two times higher than the national average at your mine in Illinois; your 64 violations and $12,973 in fines proposed at Crandall, or the injury rates that are eight times higher than average at Ohio Mine.

I can only surmise you are off chasing the real culprit, the earthquake, as you promised. Or perhaps you are talking to God to see whether he decided if the miners were "dead or alive." Or maybe you overslept. That is a distinct possibility since you do take your miners' safety with you to bed every night.

So let us call off this lost cause of a search for the little miners, and search for the one great man we must find and save: Robert Murray.

Sincerely,
Katie Halper

Bush & Bush

2007-08-12T21:30:00.000-07:00

Apparently, it's not easy being W's father. As Ron Kauffman, an advisor to 41, explained, hearing criticism of Bush Junior "wears on his heart and on his soul." According to the New York Times, Herbert Walker Bush compares himself to "a Little League father whose kid is having a rough game. And like the proud and angry Little League dad who cannot help but yell at the umpire, sometimes he just cannot help getting involved." It seems like Bush is more of "a little league father whose kid has no arms and no legs."

Bush tells his son not to draw pictures on the programs at Gerald Ford's funeral

Pentagon Protection Program: Guantanamo Bay

2007-08-12T20:54:00.000-07:00

An ungrateful Gordon Brown is asking the U.S. to release 5 Guantamo Bay inmates who had lived in Britain. But Pentagon spokesman Cmdr. J. D. Gordon explained that he didn't want to release them without getting "credible assurances that they would be treated humanely." Until then, these inmates will be kept safe and sound in small cold cells where they can cuddle with "truth dogs," play "water boarding," and be protected from the dangerous Geneva Convention.

With Torture Like This, Who Needs Healthcare?

2007-08-10T09:48:00.000-07:00

When I read that a Pentagon spokesman didn't want to release Guantanamo Bay inmates without getting "credible assurances that they will be treated humanely" I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Then I thought about SICKO. I love Michael Moore. And I loved SICKO. Like no other mainstream film, it exposes the sick state of American medicine, diseased and deformed beyond recognition by the invasion of corporate parasites. A man with cancer dies because his insurance company denies him the conventional therapy of bone marrow transplants, which it deems experimental; a mother loses her infant febrile daughter when their HMO insists she be taken to a distant ER for treatment. 9/11 rescue workers cannot afford medicines and treatments to alleviate debilitating conditions resulting from ground-zero. Moore shows us universal health care in Britain, France, and Canada. I’m touched, outraged--and grateful to Moore for rallying the troops to march for universal healthcare for all, here in the wealthiest nation on earth.

As usual, Moore’s new film has provoked criticism, accusations of lies or at least omitting and distorting the facts. So he doesn’t show us the lines that our northern neighbors must sometimes wait on but he gives us the big picture of universal healthcare. So he romanticizes the European welfare state, overlooks the absence of British dental care, but it allows him to show us the ultra greed and ruthlessness of our flawed system. I’m used to defending Michael Moore against criticisms. He is not dishonest. He does not lie. Sometimes he omits. But just to make the bigger point to an ADD American public used to sound bites and MTV hype. And besides the overall message is a truthful one. These systems are not perfect, but they are still much better than our own healthcare system.

So it’s really surprising that out of all these critical reviews, I couldn’t find one that addressed the biggest and most problematic omission. Through his representation of Guantanamo Bay, Moore does not lie, he lets liars lie, and asks us to accept their word as truth. GTMO, Moore says, is the "one place on American soil that had free universal healthcare.” A montage of politicians including Rumsfeld and Frist testify to the high-level health care, that high-level terrorists receive at GITMO. And thus with the rescue workers in tow, Moore sails to Guantamano, to get the quality government healthcare denied them and bestowed on “evil-doers.”

I suspect Moore means to mock the sophomoric language and mentality of the Bush administration. Moore’s tongue is in his cheek and his heart is in the right place. Guantanamo is a convenient and ironic transition to get Moore and the 9/11 workers to the island of Cuba. Yet Moore omits the fact that the men at Guantanamo are not all terrorists, nor are they all the recipients of the quality healthcare that should be going to us. The great majority of the men at GITMO were in the wrong place at the wrong time or had the wrong beard at the wrong time. Far from receiving stellar medical care, inmates have been denied treatment, until they "cooperate." They’ve been physically and psychologically tortured, often with participation by physicians and other medical professionals. Hunger-strikers protesting against their treatment have been force fed though large tubes inserted down their nose and throat. “Medical ethics” have been broken at Guantanamo, US medical organizations, like the American Psychiatric Association, have asserted.

I’m sure that Moore knows all this. In fact, he acknowledged in an interview with Amy Goodman that the force feeding of prisoners is called “nutrition counseling.” Yet the mainstream audience he is trying to reach probably doesn't. And they won't, after seeing the movie. The man sitting next to me in the theater, shook his head in disbelief during the Guantanamo scene, not because the 9/11 workers are treated worse than the U.S. claims to treat terrorists who are mostly innocent people, whom we torture. He was shaking his head with outrage. America’s enemies are getting the care that America’s heroes deserve. He didn’t see that Moore’s tongue was in his cheek, but only that he went to Guantanamo and reported no problems for the “evil doers,” only for Americans.

When I bring the issue up with my "liberal" blog-reading progressive friends, they defend Moore's treatment. Moore had no choice. The contrast between 9/11 heroes and 9/11 villains was irresistible--true or not. Okay, he omitted certain things, but it was worth it: American’s minds were being changed about universal healthcare. We liberals, will leave the theaters with our concern for human rights, legal rights, and torture victims in tact, but newly energized to wage the winnable war for universal healthcare. It's a win/win situation.

But it’s not a win/win situation. Moore’s message is not benign. Those who go into the theater ignorant or incredulous to the reality of Guantanamo Bay will perhaps leave the theater even more resistant to claims of torture. Because now they can say “tortured? They get better treatment than we do.” And “innocent? Even that crazy left Wing Michael Moore says they’re evil doers.”

Ironically, the only ones registering Moore’s depiction of Guantanamo Bay come from the right. They use the film to discredit Moore as inconsistent and to defend the treatment of Guantanamo. One conservative blogger writes

Isn’t Moore one of those liberal morons that have been so up-in-arms about the horrible treatment — I seem to recall the word “torture” used a few times — the American military has bestowed on the prisoners of Club Gitmo? So horrible, in fact, that he’s taking these 9/11 heroes there to hopefully partake in the prisoners’ torturous handling, including “free teeth cleaning, eye care and nutrition counseling.“

An article called "America Should be Proud to Expand Guantanamo" argues

Guantanamo’s conditions are beyond humane. Detainees enjoy soccer and volleyball, pray to Mecca five times daily, and eat Allah-ready meals, adding 10 pounds to the typical combatant’s physique. They also receive medical care that even Bush hater Michael Moore praises in his new movie, SiCKO.

Lew Waters who describes himself as a “your every day average blue collar conservative Viet Nam Veteran” on his blog called “Right in a Left World” left this comment on the the TomDelay.com “

Funny thing from Moore in his defense of this garbage. He said, "he was just trying to visit the U.S. Guantanamo Bay detention camp after learning that suspected al-Qaeda detainees had access to better health care than many Americans."I thought all we did to detainees in Guantanamo was abuse, torture and mistreat them?

As for us enlightened liberals? The only thing I could find were some comments left on blogs and a cartoon by Matt Bors I came across on Alternet. We, the ones who Moore doesn’t have to worry about, don’t seem to be as informed and angry as we should be. The progressive choir to whom Moore shouldn’t have to preach is not as converted as we claim.

Nazi Kos

2007-08-08T08:35:00.000-07:00

Bill O'Reilly is the only journalist honorable enough to go after the Daily/Yearly Kos Nazis But one honest journalist cannot do it all, and so I decided to investigate the hate-site's convention for myself. I went to several panels, and the most hateful of all was The Arc of Crisis: U.S. Policy in the Middle East and South Asia" which included speakers Juan Cole, John J. Mearsheimer, Dennis Perin,and Manan Ahmed This panel proved, once again, that the liberal, Jewish gay vegan bloggerati are getting their panties all up in a bunch about the Middle East. Anyone with a shred of critical thinking ability knows that the situation in the Middle East is not an arc of crisis, but rather an arc of mission accomplishment and progress. When that little scuffle broke out between Israel and Hezbollah just last summer, Condoleezza Rice explained, in her typically infinite wisdom, "What we're seeing here are the birth bangs of a new Middle East." Building on this insightful assessment, I think it’s clear that what we are seeing today in Pakistan are merely the stretch marks or hemorrhoids, of democracy. And what we are seeing in Iraq is the episiotomy of liberty.

During the Presidential Leadership forum I heard Democratic candidates Clinton, Dodd, Edwards, Gravel, Kucinich, Obama, and Richardson, admit that, if elected, they would take away our freedoms, most principally our freedom from the oppression of habeas corpus. These Democrats could not be more out of touch: Habeas corpus is so 700 hundreds years ago, so Magna Carta. Besides, it's in Latin and nobody speaks Latin anymore so why should we be using Latin laws. Ergo, I commend our president's gravitas, his whole modus operandi etc, etc in undoing the constitution.

The lowest blow came from blogger Joan McCarter , or MC Joan as she's known in the DJ circle. Moderating the presidential forum, MC Joan had the audacity to accuse Alaskan politicians of corruption. Of Course, MC Joan was referring to Ted "Series of Tubes" Steven, who is being investigated for baseless charges of corruption and bribery. Ted Stevens is a great man and a patriotic senator who supports the War on Polar Bears. In fact, when the Senate voted against his bill to open up the Arctic National Wildlife Preserve to drill for oil, Ted said, "This is the saddest day of my life." Ted Stevens is 83 years old. He fought in World War II and lost his first wife. But seeing his best friend's head blown off in Okinawa or his losing his first wife in a plane crash were nothing compared to witnessing the Senate deny Ted, and America, his God-Given right to kill endangered species. That day on the Senate floor was the saddest of the 30,000 295 days of Ted’s long, noble life.

On a more personal note, I admit that I was very disappointed that Joseph Wilson was not in attendance. Though we have different political views,
Joe and I really hit it off at last year’s Yearly Kos convention in Las Vegas. Because of scheduling snafus and a restraining order, however, I haven't been able to see Joe since. I always say, out of all the blogging conferences in all the cities in all the world, he had to walk into mine. He had me at "What I didn't find in Africa."

Well, I can tell you what I found in Vegas: A silver-haired fox with a pair of baby blues that could melt the secret identity off of any covert operative.

Hands off Dick!

2007-06-28T08:21:00.000-07:00

The liberal, Jewish, gay, vegan media has been picking on our Dick Cheney ever since the Vice President courageously revealed his hunting accident to the Corpus Christi Middle School Gazette. Even before that, pundits were accusing Dick and Lynn Cheney of producing a homosexual daughter! She and Heather are just good friends and roommates. As if a woman raised by a man as vibrant, charismatic, and sexy as Dick Cheney could ever turn into a lesbian. (seriously, Dick Cheny is a sexy beast. I challenge and lesbian or straight man reading this to just think about Cheney for one minute and not at least consider switching teams, or as I like to call it, "pulling a Lieberman".)

But now a new group of crazies is picking on Dick.

Uppity left-wing Washington wing-bats are joining the witch hunt, issuing subpoenas for the Vice President's records relating to eavesdropping. How petty and spiteful can you get! And who is the head witch and paper hunter? Big surprise--it is Patrick Leahy, a hateful man who especially hates Cheney. Only a man as vicious as the Vermont Senator could provoke the naturally convivial Cheney to tell him to go "fuck himself." And unlike the lawyer who apologized for shoving his face in the way of Cheney's gun, Leahy never expressed any regret for his inciting hostility in the otherwise amiable statesman.

So leave our Dick alone!

The Dog ate my e-mail

2007-06-19T08:14:00.000-07:00

Comrade, I mean Congressman Henry Waxman and the House Oversight Committee he chairs, is claiming hundreds of thousands of White House e-mails have been destroyed.

Well, perpetual party pooper Waxman is looking at the glass half empty, not half full. Instead of congratulating the White House for preserving the e-mails of 37 of the 88 White House officials, he is harping on the mere 51 officials' missing e-mails. Instead of applauding the White House for holding onto 130 of Karl Rove's e-mails, he is obsessing over the fact that the rest of his 140,000 e-mails, inluding all e-mails from the lead up to the Iraq War, are gone.

Waxman isn't the only paranoid conspiracy theorist democrat behind this e-mail witch hunt. You may remember Patrick Leahy saying that "You can't erase e-mails. They can't say that they're lost. That's like saying the dog ate my homework." Well, you can lose e-mails, and a dog can eat your homework. In fact, while "studying" at Yale, Bush told professors the dog ate his homework every single day.

Drop Gays, Not Bombs: A New Place for Homosexuals in the Military

2007-06-15T15:15:00.000-07:00

as seen on Huffington Post

I have long been opposed to gays in http://www.blogger.com/img/gl.link.gifthe military and last week's NY Times op-ed piece did nothing to change my mind. So the Army dismisses Arabic translators because they're gay, leaving it with two Arabic speakers (both straight!).Obviously, having gay Arabic translators is a lot more perilous than having no Arabic translators. Imagine how these anti-American, anti-family individuals could twist language to promote the homosexual agenda. "The captain wants to speak with you" could easily become "The captain wants to kiss you." They could turn "We like Iraq" into "We like Iraqi men." Their perverted translations are only one of the many dangers these gays pose. I can see them now, going AWOL to design burqas in Baghdad, get pedicures in Fallujah, and shop antiques in Basra.

But this week, something made me change my position on gays in the military. The Air Force just confirmed that they had planned to develop a GAY BOMB, a "distasteful but completely non-lethal strong aphrodisiacs" promoting "homosexual behavior." This chemical weapon was to be used on enemy troops to make them more interested in fornicating than fighting.

The budget of 7.5 million was modest enough. But we can homosexualize the enemy at even less cost! We all know that the Homosexual Agenda is unstoppable. These gays recruit and seduce unsuspecting straights 24/7. So...let's go ahead and admit gays into the military, then drop them, not bombs, behind enemy lines. They will "go off" and "explode" faster, stronger, bigger and better than any bomb money could buy.

Who will speak for the African Americans? Pat Buchanan, duh!

2007-05-21T09:16:00.000-07:00

Thank the creator for Pat Buchanan. Speaking on the McLaughlin Group, Pat attacked the Senate's Immigration Bill for taking jobs away from the groups he cares about most: "African Americans" and "single moms." You can always count on Pat to defend the disenfranchised, the non-immigrant tired, the non-immigrant poor, the non-immigrant huddled masses. As he explains in his page-turner of an autobiography, Right From the Beginning, Pat misses the days of racial equality, when "the 'negroes' of Washington had their public schools, restaurants, bars, movie houses, playgrounds and churches; and we had ours."

He's especially sensitive to the voiceless white victims of reverse racism. In fact, Pat commended clansman David Duke for fighting against "reverse discrimination against white folks".

Pat rejects discrimination in all its forms and colors. Pat doesn't just care about "African Americans", "single moms" or "white folks." He cares about defenseless Germans, like Nazi war criminals. He had the heart to implore the U.S. Justice Department to stop "running down 70-year-old camp guards." Only a person as sensitive as Pat could acknowledge that Hitler was ""an individual of great courage."

Some liberals are disturbed that the McLaughlin group provides Buchanan with a weekly national television spot. But you know what? Eleanor Cliff is a liberal who writes for Newsweek. Pat's pro Hitlerism is totally middle of the road next to Cliff's ultra left agenda. In fact, Stalinism even looks middle of the road next to Cliff and the communist journal for which she writes.

Pope to Indigenous: "You're Welcome"

2007-05-18T09:06:00.000-07:00

Bless you, Benedict, for telling it like it is. When you visited Brazil you explained that colonialism and conversion were unequivocally good. What did the conversion of indigenous people of Latin America mean? "It meant knowing and welcoming Christ, the unknown God whom their ancestors were seeking, without realizing it... Christ is the Saviour for whom they were silently longing." They were so longing it, or else they wouldn't have worn those loincloths.

you rejected the PC revisionist sissy rhetoric which goes on and on and on about the decimation of indigenous Latin American culture, explaining "in effect, the proclamation of Jesus and of his Gospel did not at any point involve an alienation of the pre-Columbian cultures, nor was it the imposition of a foreign culture." Duh. I mean, I assume, after delivering your speech in Portuguese, you translated it into the indigenous languages Aikaná, Baenan, Coeruna, Gamela, Huamoé, Irantxe, Karirí, Kapixaná, Yuri, Koayá, Kukurá, Natú, Otí, Pankararú, Salumã, Tarairiú, Ticuna, Trumai, Tuxá, Xokó, Xukurú, and Yuri. Right?

Goodnight, Sweet Televangelist

2007-05-15T17:04:00.000-07:00

Bigots around the world lost a leader and friend today, with the passing of Jerry Falwell. Though the cause of death has not yet been announced, we have learned from Liberty University Executive Vice President that Reverend Jerry had "a history of heart challenges.” How ironic that a man such as Falwell, who had such a huge, caring, generous heart, could have any problems in that organ of love.

But let us not mourn. Let us keep Falwell's memory, love, and heart alive, through preaching his message. Perhaps my favorite Fallwelism was his reflection on 9 "never forget" 11:

I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People For the American Way, all of them who have tried to secularize America. I point the finger in their face and say "you helped this happen."

If we, as a nation, come together and keep our fingers raised and pointed at the sodomites and deviants, then we will be spreading the Gospel According to Jerry.

Olmert's questionable tactics for staying in power

2007-05-08T13:52:00.000-07:00

I love Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert just as much as the next guy. I mean he's 7,000 times better than that sell out schlub who gave back land to the Palestinians. But, as my dear friend Pat Roberts pointed out, God had the last laugh and smote, or stroked, Sharon.

So I was so happy to hear that Olmert survived three parliamentary no confidence votes over his leadership during the war in Lebanon.

But even I feel a little uncomfortable with the mafia-like threats Olmert used to persuade the Israeli Parliament to keep him in power. Just take a look at the AP photo

I mean, I really think the Parliament would have voted against the no confidence vote without Olmert threatening to slit their throats.

Friendly Advice for Mike Huckabee

2007-05-08T12:28:00.000-07:00

Dear Former Governor Huckabee,
First of all, I am a huge fan. You are my favorite stomach-stapled celebrity and I heart your brilliant book Quit Digging Your Grave with a Knife and Fork: a 12 step program .

I also really dig your classic rock band Capitol Offense and think you're a sick bassist http://www.blogger.com/img/gl.link.gif

It is because I respect you so much, that I wanted to take the liberty of offering you some friendly advice. You rocked during the debates. I obviously totally agree with your opposition to Roe v. Wade and your statement that,

This life issue is not insignificant. It's not small. It separates us from the Islamic fascists who would strap a bomb to the belly of their child and blow them up. We don't do that in this country. (emphasis mine)

I totally agree that aborting an embryo and killing civilians and rescue crews are morally one and the same. It is because you make such a good point that I would urge you to use an analogy that better reflects the nuance and logic of your comparison. Try this one: This life issue "separates us from the Islamic fascists who would strap a bomb to their pregnant belly and blow themselves up."

If you like it, use it.

Why YOU Should Vote Republican

2007-05-08T12:12:00.000-07:00

I spent the weekend re-watching the Republican Debates this weekend around a dozen times because these guys are so dynamic and compelling.

And I am now more sure than ever, that your quality of life will be so much better with a Republican* in office than a Democrat in office, if you are a zygote or a person in a permanently vegetated state. So if you fall into either of those categories, do yourself a favor, and vote Republican.

* This applies to 9 out of 10 of the Republican candidates. With Giuliani in office, it could go either way.

thanks for the veto, mr. president

2007-05-02T15:53:00.000-07:00

As usual, our Commander in Chief is telling it like it is. Bush vetoed a time table because "Setting a deadline for withdrawal is setting a date for failure, and that would be irresponsible." The measure would “impose impossible conditions on our commanders in combat” by forcing them to “take fighting directions from politicians 6,000 miles away in Washington, D.C.”

Why should our troops be taking directions from politicians 6,000 miles away in Washington, D.C. when they could be taking directions from one politician in Crawford, Texas?

I heart Paul Wolfowitz

2007-05-02T15:32:00.000-07:00

An open letter to the LGJVM (Liberal, Gay, Jewish, Vegan, Media)

Get off of Paul Wolfowitz’s back. When Wolfowitz used his position as President of the World Bank to hook up his girlfriend with a sweet job and raise, that wasn’t nepotism, that was diplomacy. Wolfowitz is Jewish and his girlfriend is Muslim (Not that any religious differences could keep women away from the Wolf. I saw the treasonous Farenheit 911 and I've never seen a man use his tongue and comb the way Wolfie did).

Wolfowitz is a bit of a Middle Easternist, an expert who can hardly be blamed for trusting Ahmad Chalabi and predicting the war would be brief and easy. After saving Iraq and hungry Africans, Wolfowitz decided to try his hand at quelling violence in Israel/ Palestine. And what better way to achieve this than by improving Muslim/ Jewish dialogue, exchange, intercourse in one's own back yard, or back bedroom, if you will. Wolfowitz is simply living by the old adage “Think Globally, Act Locally.” Very, very, locally.

Besides, if you guys care so much about nepotism, why don't you pick on the real culprit? Improving your girlfriend's job and salary, in the name of peace in the Middle East, pales in comparison to the nepotism and corruption Valerie Plame committed when she pulled strings to send her husband, Joseph Wilson, on an unpaid fact finding mission to a famine-ridden semi-Arid West African Nation, otherwise known as Niger Spring Break 2002. Plame's not even Jewish!

Grandma Bea

2007-05-02T15:01:00.000-07:00

As read on the HUffington Post

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/katie-halper/grandma-bea-gets-everythi_b_47460.html

The following is a true story, which happened last year.

When my grandma called my mom to tell her she was feeling dizzy and faint, we rushed out the door and hailed a cab to pick up Grandma Bea and take her to the hospital. The second she entered the cab, my mom struck her typical autophobic pose, her body twisted, her head facing backwards, her left hand clutching the door handle to her right.
She occasionally looked forward, before wincing in fear and resuming her default passenger pose. Compared to the hysterics that possessed her when my father would, while driving, clap his hands to Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan or pick up a journal article, this was calm. Alert to the machismo that affected most men and most cab drivers, my mom had developed a technique to implore caution without emasculating speeding drivers or directly challenging automobile-related chauvinism: "Sir, can I ask you to slow down a bit?" she would ask. "I have a broken back." The cab was gaining speed, and I waited for her words.

But tonight was different.

Half way down my grandmother's block, my mother started shouting, "Look out, you're gonna hit that garbage bag." And sure enough, a full and shiny garbage bag was heaped in the middle of the street. My mom and I got out of the cab to move the bag to the curb so we could move on to Grandma Bea's. All of a sudden, in a Gabriel Garcia Marques moment, the garbage bag started to move. As we approached the mysterious receptacle, it started to speak! It said, "Where were you? I was waiting for you?" It was a familiar voice with a strong Bronx accent. And then we made out a familiar face. The garbage bag was Grandma Bea, of course.

Impatient and hyperactive, she had ignored my mother's instructions to wait in her apartment, choosing instead to ride the elevator to the lobby and then to stroll down the middle of the street to meet our cab. Dizzy and faint, she must have fallen. In the dark of night, even up close, the shiny puffy jacket covering the collapsed heap that was Grandma Bea bore a striking resemblance to a stuffed Hefty Bag.

In the hospital, my mother and I were nervous. Grandma Bea was 85. For fifty years, she smoked four packs of Camels every day. Did she have cancer or some other systemic disease that had weakened her enough to fall? When she fell, had she banged her head and suffered brain damage? Or had a stroke and brain damage caused her to fall? The doctor, clearly worried too, hit her with a barrage of questions. Her name? The date? Her address? The day of the week? Each question, Grandma Bea answered perfectly. Then the doctor said, "Let's ask her something a little harder." I grabbed my mom's hand, awaiting the tough question that would tell us Grandma Bea was slipping from us.

"Mrs. Eisenberg," the doctor said. "Do you know who the president is?"

"Oh, that's an easy one," my grandma said. "It's Shithead."

We hugged her tight.

She might be a little dizzy, but Grandma Bea got everything right!

My jury's out on jury's Libby verdict

2007-03-15T20:40:00.000-07:00

I, of course, was shocked and awed by the miscarriage of justice that was the conviction of American hero Scooter Libby. I am also confident that Libby will pardoned and justice will prevail. After all, if we look at our history, all signs point to a pardon: Libby is just as much a patriot as was Richard Nixon;

and President Bush is even sharper than President Ford who had the sense to pardon Nixon.

Yet, as a fair and balanced pundit, I must admit there is a silver lining on the cloud of Libby's conviction. For Libby is a true renaissance man, a cunning lawyer, a fearless small pox warrior, and a brilliant writer. His poem "A letter to Judith Miller" brings tears to the eyes. And his underrated novel The Apprentice boasts of unforgettable prose such as

At age 10 the madam put the child in a cage with a bear trained to couple with young girls so the girls would be frigid and not fall in love with their patrons. They fed her through the bars and aroused the bear with a stick when it seemed to lose interest.

I have been waiting, in vain, for Libby to churn out another masterpiece. Perhaps jail time will provide him with the time and R and R he needs to nurture his craft.

How to Give Your Undivided Sober Attention to Our Commander-in-Chief

2007-01-23T15:01:00.000-08:00

(first posted on the Huffington Post)

It comes as no surprise that the people who brought you Drinking Liberally would desecrate the State of the Union address with a rowdy, deviant, irreverent game of bingo.

Do your thing, freedom-hating liberals! Ignore your president, belt down your beers, lay down your bingo chips. I've created my own fun game for people who would prefer snacking conservatively to Drinking Liberally; who want to give our undivided sober attention to our commander-in-chief AND have wholesome fun. Any REAL American can play. Here's how

*Every time Bush mentions Iraq, eat a piece of sweet and sour chicken, representing the sweetness of Bush's plan and the sourness of its failure at the hands of looting Iraqis and cut-and-running Democrats.

*Every time he says "Free world," eat a freedom fry.

*Every time you see Nancy Pelosi, eat an almond because that's what cyanide tastes like and she's poisoning our country.

*Every time you see Lieberman, grab a kiss. (Hershey's are kosher)

*Every time Bush says "No child left behind," eat a ketchup sandwich because Every American Child has a right to daily vegetables.

*Every time you see Hillary, eat a spoonful of horseradish, because we shall know bitter years if she seizes power.

*Every time Bush says "Secure our borders," eat a hummus taco, because the war against immigration is really a war against terror.

*Every time you see Cheney, eat a leg of quail. (remember to remove the skin out of respect for the Vice President's heart condition.)

*Every time Bush mentions social security or minimum wage don't eat anything because we don't need them.

*Every time he mentions Ahmadinejad, eat an atomic wing. Eat two if he pronounces it correctly.

*Every time he says the word "coalition," nibble on a kielbasa because we don't forget Poland.

*Every time he mentions healthcare, take a bite out of an apple. We don't believe in the welfare state or universal healthcare. An apple a day keeps the doctor away and America healthy.

*Every time he says "tax relief," have a spoonful of caviar and chase it with a swig of champagne.

The State of the Union Address always makes for a great date. Here's how to pre-party it up with that special someone. Listen to music made by artists who support our president. My special State of the Union Address Mix, featuring Kid Rock, Jessica Simpson, JoJo and Britney Spears does the trick every time.

Kidnapping Iranian diplomats = good diplomacy

2007-01-17T09:35:00.000-08:00

Though I disagree with much the Iraq Study Group, perhaps my biggest problem is co-author James Baker's claim that the ISG report is not a "fruit salad." Baker told the Senate Armed Services Committee, "I hope we don't treat this like a fruit salad and say I like this, but I don't like that. I like this, but I don't like that. This is a comprehensive strategy..." I'm sorry, but the ISG is indeed a fruit salad, if I've ever seen one. So allow me to separate the cherries I like from the grapefruit that gives me acid. What I do like is the ISG's recommendation that we should hold direct talks with Iran. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: it's always nice to get to new a country before you regime-change and/ or mission-accomplish it. That's just good manners and diplomacy 101. So, last week, when the U.S. military raided Iranian diplomatic offices in Iraq, and detained 6 people, we may have angered the Iranians, Kurds, and Iraqis. But we were only trying to initiate very, very, very direct talks with Iran, in the spirit of the ISG. Walls and doors keep people apart and in knocking them down with bullets and bombs, we forced open new channels for dialogue. By confiscating the Iranian's computers, we wanted to replace cold and alienating electronic communication with intimate exchanges. Once again, however, we were in the words, of our President,misunderstimated.

Happy "He was Almost my Father Day"

2007-01-15T13:59:00.000-08:00

Happy He was Almost my Father Day
Martin Luther King Day has a special place in my heart. When I was a young girl growing up on the Upper West Side, my mother would tell me stories about the anti-war and civil rights movements in place of Mother Goose. I remember her telling me about hearing Martin Luther King's "I Have a Dream" speech in Washington D.C. Though I was a precocious, progressive child, who would start conversations off with adults by asking them what they thought of the Rosenbergs' execution, I didn't totally get what my mom was talking about. I envisioned that she had a friend--King Martin Luther is what I thought his name was--who lived in Washington D.C. One day she went to visit him and have a sleepover. The next morning King Martin Luther told my mother, "I had a dream," and then told her what was in it. That's really how I imagined it.

Of course, my mother never did have a sleepover with Martin Luther King. Although she did come close to having one with another civil rights leader. He doesn't have as much civil rights cred as Doctor King, but my mother did go on a date with... Marion Barry, who would later become the mayor of D.C. until he was forced to step down in the midst of a crack-cocaine scandal. They met at an event in New York for the Congress of Racial Equality (CORE). I always think, "Out of all the CORE meetings in all the towns in all the world... she had to walk into his" If only my mother had dated a nobler civil rights activist, like Martin Luther King, Medgar Evers, or Malcolm X. Then, whenever I was mad at my dad I could have said: "I don't have to listen to you. You're not my father. Dr. King is my father." But "ex-mayor Barry is my father" doesn't have the same ring to it.

Larry Summers was Right

2007-01-10T18:32:00.000-08:00

My readers have expressed shock that I, a long time colleague, admirer, and friend of Larry Summers, am fine with Harvard's possible naming of a female president. Many liberals spilled their fair trade organic chai skim soy lattes all over themselves in disbelief when Summers explained that women are innately weaker at math and science. I think I speak for Larry and myself when I say that women are fully qualified to fill administrative positions. Some of the best secretaries who have ever made me coffee are female. Since college presidents neither add nor subtract, conduct experiments nor write lab reports, I am confident a female could be president. What Larry and I cannot and will not stand, is the naming of a female head of a math or science department.

Cut Tony Blair some slack

2007-01-08T20:14:00.000-08:00

Some haters have criticized Tony "W" Blair for his silence on Saddam's execution and for vacationing at a Floridian mansion owned by Robin Gibb-- yes THE Robbin Gibb -- of Bee Gees fame.. I commend Blair for his Bushian Katrina-esque commitment to staying the course on his vacation in the face of natural/ political disasters. Also, where better to experience an execution than from sunny and capital-punishing Florida? Nowhere, ever since the number of Florida's death row inmates surpassed the number of those in scorching Texas. And I'm sure Tony, who opposes the death penalty, found refuge and comfort as he listened to the immortal timeless Bee Gees tune "Staying Alive."

Saddam's hanging could have had class

2007-01-05T13:59:00.000-08:00

It’s rare, but occasionally, very occasionally, even I get it wrong. My blog entry praising Saddam’s execution as a symbol of the successful birth of Iraqi democracy was uncharacteristically premature. I, along with Bush and many a wise pundit, was shocked and awed to learn that what could have been a lovely and tasteful hanging was deformed into an act of humiliation and revenge.

Of course I share our Bush’s wish that the execution had “been done in a more dignified way.” But, in fairness to us optimists, all signs pointed to a dignified execution: the simple classic noose, the ski-mask clad executioners, the generous 5 day grace period between the verdict and punishment, the graceful coincidence with the blessed day of Id al-Adha, and, of course, the strong, supportive presence of the U.S. military. Unfortunately, all it took was some taunting and baiting, and a few “go to hells” to sour the otherwise decorous ambience of a death by hanging.

Fringe lunatics including the Pope, the European Union, Tony Blair’s government, and Kurdish brats who whine that Saddam was killed before his massacres of Kurds could be further exposed and documented, have opposed the execution. But my lamenting a botched execution must not be confused with a rejection of the death penalty; nor is it a criticism of the Bush administration’s occupation of Iraq or involvement with Saddam’s trial and punishment. Rather, it is a celebration of both. But to prevent executions from being vengeful, degrading, barbaric travesties of democracy we need to put them in the hands of experts. And regardless of our political orientations, we can all agree that, having signed off on 153 successful and classy executions during his tenure as governor of Texas, George Bush would have brought experience, know how, as well as southern hospitality and good manners, to the hanging.

Saddam's Execution Signifies Arrival of Democracy to Iraq

2007-01-04T11:42:00.001-08:00

The execution of Saddam Hussein is a true test of Iraq's commitment to democracy, human rights and justice. By hanging Hussein, Iraq showed the world that Saddam is finally dead and Iraqi democracy has been born. Iraqi president Nuri al-Maliki put it best when he said, "Our respect for human rights means we must implement the execution." I congratulate Iraq for joining the ranks of other democracies like Saudi Arabia, Iran, Zimbabwe, Belorussia, Singapore and the United States where the death penalty rings free. In an age when an increasing number of coward nations have abandoned the death penalty, it is invigorating to know that other countries hold fast to our founding principles of life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness, and capital punishment.

want a TimeOut NY subscription? come to Laughing Liberally

2006-12-26T10:30:00.000-08:00

Want a TimeOut New York subscription? Then get your Laughing Liberally ticket!!!!!!!!!!!!

Are you ready to laugh?

Get your tickets today for...
LAUGHING LIBERALLY 2006: A YEAR-IN-REVIEW

One Night Only! Saturday, December 30th
Tix available at http://www.laughingliberally.com

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Use the code "LAUGH5" to save
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An evening of top comedians from our national tour
featuring stand-up, original video and music,
hosted by President George W. Bush
& special guest (the real) Congressman Charles Rangel.

With Jim David (comedy central presents), Dean Obeidallah (NY Arab American Comedy Fest), Reno(HBO & Bravo),
Katie Halper (Yearly Kos), Jamie Jackson (Caroline's), Lee Camp (E!) & James Adomian (Late Late Show).

LAUGHING LIBERALLY 2006: A YEAR-IN-REVIEW
Saturday, December 30th @ 8:30pm
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Want to See Congressman Charlie Rangel? Come to Laughing Liberally

2006-12-26T10:13:00.000-08:00

No Joke.
Laughing Liberally proudly announces the latest addition to our line-up: famed comedian Congressman Charles B. Rangel (D-NY)! Yes...the REAL Congressman Rangel. For real.

Check out our previous collaboration with the Congressman here.

For Tix go to www.laughingliberally.com

we are on the Huffington Post

2006-12-26T09:50:00.000-08:00

We, the People, of Laughing Liberally, are on the Huffington Post. Check us out and then come to our show on December 30th at Town Hall

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Laughing in the Face of 2006 (The Face that Dick Cheney Didn't Shoot)
READ MORE: Dennis Hastert, Global Warming, George W. Bush, Iraq, Virginia Senate Race, 2006, Dick Cheney, Hurricane Katrina

When I think back over the course of 2006, there wasn't a whole lot that was funny happening. The war in Iraq raged on, years after "Mission Accomplished," the economy wasn't so hot for everyday people like me, gas prices shot through the roof, North Korea has become nuclear, and now it looks like Iran is too.

So who better to reflect on 2006 than some of the best progressive comedians around? After all, if we can't find some levity in all of this, we might as well just pack it in. So, I presented some questions to some of the top progressive comedians around. They'll all be performing, by the way, in New York on December 30, as part of Laughing Liberally's end of year review. The night will also feature the comic stylings of none other than Congressman Charlie Rangel!

Back to the questions, though... And away we go!

If you were on Santa's lap, what would you ask for this year?

Katie Halper (channeling her inner Republican): "The chance to be his helper in fighting back against the War on Christmas."

Jim David: " Peace in the Middle East, Impeachment Hearings, War Crimes Tribunals, and a flat screen HDTV to watch it on."

James Adomian: "Less Christmas. After at least six weeks of brutally plastic cheer and glib commercial renditions of even the holiest nativity songs, it's time to prune this season back. When did we forget how to appreciate November as its own month?"

Lee Camp: "I would say "Santa, please stop participating in the War on Christmas. Hundreds of thousands have died needlessly, and not a single present of mass destruction has been found."

Who was the best political target for jokes this year and why?

Dean Obeidallah: "President Bush again for the 6th straight year. He is the undisputed world's champion. Why? I think it's pretty obvious."

Reno: "The entire Federal Govt. No impeachable offenses? What about Katrina? Extraordinary renditions, signing statements, Abu Graib, wiretapping, canceling Habeas Corpus, denying global warming. These are not leaders, these are frivolous featherweight quacks that are real good at blowjob impeachments, but serious responsible leadership is beyond their capabilities: "Hey, people, lighten up, don't be so serious." The "loyal opposition" is just that: loyal. To the opposition. They're like tour bus drivers pointing out the seats you've already been sitting in for 2 hours."

Jamie Jackson: "Dick Cheney - because he just won't die."

Adomian: "It is most cathartic to remember that the vortex of this Great National Nightmare is George W. Bush: a pretend emperor as false as "that man behind the curtain" in the Emerald City, a humbug of a cowboy, the son of the highest privilege whose vocabulary is so broken it might as well be feral."

What was the most important political development of 2006?

Halper: "I would have to say our continued victory in Iraq."

Reno: "Mary" Cheney's immaculate conception.

Jackson: "Bush Sr. crying in public. I mean, it's bad enough for the rest of us, but imagine knowing you're the guy's father."

Camp: " The most important political development was when Bush asked to meet with Jessica Simpson and she turned him down. I feel that was the turning point in the public's opinion of Bush because Jessica Simpson didn't even turn down the script to "Dukes of Hazzard"!! I think she was just afraid that the universe would explode if you get too much Stupid in one room at the same time. If Bush said "subliminable" at the same time Jessica said "Platamapus ," we'd all be dead!"

Adomian: "My backroom maneuvering to get my boss fired -- oh, national politics? OK. The election to the Senate of the new economic populist bloc: Sherrod Brown, Bernie Sanders, Jim Webb and John Tester. The 17th Amendment of 1913 mandated that senators be chosen by the people, but apparently its implementation was delayed for 93 years while the robber barons wrapped up some of their more urgent business."

When you heard that Dick Cheney shot a dude in the face, what was your first reaction?

Obeidallah: " My first reaction was to wonder how would he blame the terrorists for this. Maybe he'd claim that he thought his friend was an insurgent. Turns out it was just that terrorist known as alcohol."

Reno: "I so wished Cheney had been hunting with a boomerang."

Adomian: "Why didn't Cheney simply choke him to death with his hate rays? Was he only sending a warning? We won't know the full story until the classified records of Cheney's vice-presidency are unsealed three hundred years from now in a ceremony that will include bats and Druidic chants."

Of those who are leaving the political scene (from Rumsfeld all the way down to GOP Congressmen who lost), who will you miss the most?

Halper: "Most of all, I will miss Rummy for his poetry and George Allen for his macacary."

Jackson : I'll miss Virginia Senator, George "Maccaca" Allen. But, Trent Lott's back, and Allen may still return. See, it takes more than hanging a noose in your office and insulting a few minorities to keep a good Republican presidential candidate down. I'll miss Joyce Rumsfeld too - for personal reasons..."

David: "NONE of them. I've had it. Don't let the door hit you on the way out, Bon Voyage, Sayonara, get lost!!!"

Camp: "Of those leaving, I will miss Rumsfeld most because he was like having a stern, all-knowing father... Did I mention my father beat me? ...and then accused me of not allowing Democracy to work?"

First thing in 2007, Dennis Hastert will have to hand Nancy Pelosi the Speaker's gavel in a ceremony. What should Nancy Pelosi do as soon as she gets the gavel?

Halper: "She should replace it with whatever gavel the Republican Interior decorator Bush promised to introduce her to suggests."

Obeidallah: " De-licing it would be a good start."

Reno: "Turn that gavel upside down and sing "My Way" into it like it's a mic, with Kucinich, Sanders, Waters, Waxman, Barney Frank, Sheila Jackson Lee, etc. breaking out the instruments and accompanying.

Jackson: "She should hammer out danger. She should hammer out a warning. She should hammer out love between her brothers and her sisters all over this land. And she should stop smiling. If that's still at all possible post-op."

David: "Break into a chorus of "Everything's Coming Up Roses."

Adomian: "She should invite her drum circle up to the chair and have a 'be-in.'"

Camp: "What should Pelosi do first? She should WASH THE GAVEL! She has no idea where that's gavel's been or what shady transactions it's been privy to. On second thought, she should burn the gavel."

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Bush Protects us from the Dangers of Habeas Corpus

2006-12-10T12:23:00.000-08:00

As you may remember, I was devastated when Bush cut and ran on his "cut and run" mantra. Luckily, he's staying the course on his commitment to protect us from the dangers of habeas corpus. But the Democrats are threatening to take away our freedoms, like our freedom from habeas corpus. By getting rid of habeas corpus, the right to challenge one's arrest, a right guaranteed in the U.S. Constitution, Bush is getting rid of an old school law that's way outdated. I'm sorry, but habeas corpus is soooo 400 years ago, so 1780s, so founding fathers. Besides, it's in Latin and nobody uses Latin anymore. So why should we be using Latin laws? Ergo, I commend Bush's decision, i.e. his undoing of habeas corpus, the Constitution, our civil liberties et cetera, et cetera. Mr. President, I applaud your stance, your steadfastness, your principles, and, N.B., your modus operandi.

Pope Gives Props to Turks

2006-11-30T07:45:00.000-08:00

The Pope is endorsing Turkey's bid to join the European Union, a move he opposed only three years ago. A Vatican spokesperson explained that Pope Benedict has a new appreciation of Turkey's "Crusade-like" behavior in Armenia, referring to the killing of 1.5 million Armenians between 1915 and 1923. The spokesperson quoted the Pope as saying, "The Turks may be Muslim, but they handled the Armenian apostates in true Medieval European Christian style , and for that they should be seated at the European Union table. Admitting them is the Christian thing to do."

Bush said to be experiencing "low cerebral security"

2006-11-29T07:24:00.000-08:00

The Bush adminsiration is no longer using the words "hunger" or "hungry" to descibe the 35 million people who cannot put food on their table. Instead, this 12% of the population is refered to as experiencing "very low food security." According to the United States Department of Agriculture, Dick Cheney ordered this language shift, which is based on a rephrasing he first developed to describe President Bush. In a leaked memo sent from the Vice President to all members of the adminstration, Cheney wrote:

Please refrain from describing the president as "stupid" or suffereing from "stupidity" as these are words he understands and are thus potentially hurtful and damaging to moral, self image, and bold leadership. In the future, please refer to the Commander is Chief as experiencing "very low cerebral security."

some crazy liberal named katie halper gives sex advice on nerve.com

2006-11-05T10:15:00.000-08:00

from nerve.com

Katie, 25
Drinking Liberally and comic/co-founder of Laughing Liberally
www.drinkingliberally.org
www.laughingliberally.com

How can election-night sex be spiced up if the Democrats win?
Wear blue lingerie underneath red clothing. That way, when you take off your clothes you're revealing the blue and getting rid of the red. But then you have to have sex with your underwear on, but that's okay — I'd do it for the cause. Or you can put an elephant trunk on your partner and humiliate the elephant. Donkey-elephant S&M.

What if the Dems lose?
Make the elephant-donkey role play even worse for the elephant. More whipping, more spitting. More severe.

How are progressives better in the sack?
We're more compassionate, less selfish. If your sexuality is consistent with your ideology and political outlook, you're more concerned for the other person and less concerned with your own welfare — "welfare" being your orgasm.

My policy-wonk boyfriend has such a boring job that I'm afraid it's turning him conservative in bed. How can I help him reverse this decline?
Put graphs on yourself. Cover yourself in edible body paint with graphs and charts. Make a porn film of yourself, then show it to him in the form of a PowerPoint presentation. Or, while naked in bed, ask him, "Do you know how much the national debt just increased in the past fifteen minutes?" Say it in a dirty voice.

My boyfriend is a McCain guy, but I'm all about Obama. Can this relationship work?
No. We like to pretend these things don't matter, but they do. There are certain values that are just too important. How can I explain to my kid that your dad doesn't think that my friend Bob should be able to marry his boyfriend Bill? The personal and political are too linked.

What's the best way to initiate oral sex in a moving vehicle?
Put on some Lil' Kim. Play "Not Tonight". If you're a deductive reasoner, you might be able to deconstruct the text and get the message: "I don't want dick tonight, eat my pussy right." Say, "Hey, you're gonna want to make a right here, go two miles, go two stop lights, go left at the church and then go down on me." Pretend you're looking for a contact lens. "Your shoelace is untied, I don't want you to trip while driving. Let me tie your shoelace." One thing leads to another.

Democrats tend to be more forgiving of sex scandals than their conservative counterparts. Does this mean my progressive boyfriend is more likely to forgive me if I have an affair?
No, because we also care more about honesty, so we'll be more disappointed. But I'd rather have my boyfriend cheat on me than supply the Contras with arms, or say he broke up with me because he found weapons of mass destruction in my bathroom.

Where's the best place to pick up a Democrat?
Flag-burning or baby-killing parties, or a taping of The Colbert Report.

I Attack the Yes Men and Defend Our Country

2006-10-27T11:43:00.000-07:00

From a speech I delivered at Wesleyan University before a presentation by the Yes Men on 11/25/06

I used to be your typical open minded, liberal, questioning Wesleyan student. After graduating, however, I realized I had been brainwashed by the liberalocracy that runs this school and all of academia. I consider myself a recovering Wesleyan activist.

When I heard that the Yes Men were coming to speak at my alma mater, I immediately contacted the people responsible for the events. Since I know how Wesleyan types get their liberal panties all up in a bunch over free speech, I knew I'd be able to get the chance to speak. So I am here to provide a much needed fair and balanced voice.

As some of you may know from the communist meetings called classes you attend here at Wesleyan, the Yes Men recently impersonated representatives of the Department of Housing and Urban Development, in order to criticize HUD’s closing of homes which were undamaged by Katrina. The Yes Men are just the latest LWWB’s ( left wing wing bats) to jump on the Blame Katrina on the Government and Let Nature off the Hook band wagon. In fact the administration’s response to Katrina was, to coin a word made up by our President to describe himself, "misunderestimated." People on the left are so busy blaming the Bush administration for everything from letting Clinton fly the planes into the world trade center five years ago, to increasing anti-American sentiment and terrorism today, they ignore the fact that the greatest—and undoubtedly most unsung-- victim of Katrina, was President Bush.

Bush was hit especially hard by the totally surprising and inevitable hurricane, because he was on vacation. He wasn't as lucky at the people on the gulf coast who were working and thus were not forced to sacrifice any vacation time. If there’s one thing we can all agree on regardless of our political orientation it’s that our President really values his vacation time. We all know how much the President enjoys his time at the ranch, how much he likes clearing brush. And yet, Bush is such a professional, such a martyr, he cut his vacation short by two whole days! And he immediately reported to duty and flew directly to Arizona to give Jon McCain a birthday cake. He then went to where the country needed him most, California, so country singer Mark Wills could present Bush with a guitar, which he strummed. And then, as if Bush hasn't already done enough for the victims of Katrina, he really put himself out on a limb: as he flew from California back to D.C., the President insisted
that his Air Force one pilot swoop down over the gulf coast so he could assess the damage from an objective, fair, and safe bird's eye view.

Once Bush finally made it to New Orleans, he offered words of leadership and hope, saying "I believe that this town, where I used to come to enjoy myself, occasionally too much, will be that town, that it will be a better place to come to." Our Commander-in-Chief's message to the people of New Orleans was, essentially, "Party on". The President is confident that out of the ashes of booze, cocaine and titty-flashing he knows so well, a greater more funnerer New Orleans will rise.

When Bush went to Mississippi, his words were equally heart-felt and appropriate. He said, "We've got a lot of reconstruction to do. Out of the rubble of Trent Lott's house, this guy lost his entire house, there's gonna be a fantastic house. And I look forward to sitting on the porch."
Senator Trent Lott, an outspoken segregationist and Storm Thurmond fan, is someone who really resonates with the victims of Katrina. The tragedy of Senator Lott's third home brought the people of Mississippi together in away nothing else could. I think what the people of Mississippi miss most of all is sitting on Trent Lott's porch. Which is why I started the Trent Lott Reconstruction Fund, a charity aimed at rebuilding Trent Lott's home. And we're almost there, we're building this house back up, brick by brick, and we're not gonna stop until that Victorian wrap around porch is standing once again.

It wasn't just Bush who was a victim of the gay Jewish liberal vegan media's propaganda. It was the entire federal government. Michael "Brownie, you're doing a heck of a job" Brown, then director of the ironically titled claim to love animals and Arabs, loved pointing out that before coming to FEMA, Brownie was employed at the AHA—excuse, the Arabian Horse Association, for the layman.
Well the AHA is a really important entity, and, as its website points out, provides many "opportunities for you to tap into the Arabian horse lifestyle." And overseeing horse competitions is a really challenging job, which is why, I'm sure, Brownie was asked to resign from it. And the logical next step in that professional trajectory is to become the director of FEMA. Where's the cronyism there? And you know, Brownie did the best he could, given the circumstances. As the universally respected Donald Rumsfeld would, I'm sure, say, "You don't fight a hurricane with the federal government you want. You fight it with the federal government you have. And let's face it, it's not like we have the resources and infrastructure of a country like, say, Cuba. Because the last time Cuba had a category 5 hurricane, nobody died. They have 5 islands on the entire island of Cuba, and they were able to evacuate 1.5 million people as well as their television sets, refrigerators, and live stock.

And The Yes Men, through their sick Katrina-related HUDest stunt, have banged , yet another nail into the already crucified Bush administration with their hammer and sickle of propaganda.

I first heard of the Yes Men when I was working for the Bush Campaign back in 2004. I was volunteering in Ohio, removing people's names from voting rosters. I was thrilled to meet the so-called "Yes Bush Can" team that was traveling around the country. I immediately clicked with these seemingly like-minded Bush supporters and enthusiastically signed their petition to draft prisoners to fight our wars. I also signed their Patriot Pledge, pledging to accept global warming and live with its minor side effects; remain celibate until marriage; and once married never divorce. You can imagine how upset I was when I found out it was a hoax. I felt violated and victimized. I could certainly sympathize with

Halliburton, the WTO, Dow Chemical and the countless other defenseless corporations who fell victim to the senseless shenanigans of these left wing hooligans.

and so, it is my great dishonor to present the Yes Men.

President Bush: Please Stay the Course! (An open letter to the President)

2006-10-24T13:26:00.000-07:00

Dear Mr. President,

Please tell me that the "comrades" over at the New York Times are lying (as usual) when they write you are abandoning your "Stay the Course" catch phrase.

During this time of violence, change and uncertainty, I've been comforted by being certain of 3 things

1) The War in Iraq is making us safer
2) Republicans are protecting us from the gays
3) We are going to stay the course in Iraq, and you are going to remind us of this at least 5 times a day. (Statistically, every time you say "Stay the Course" a terrorist drops his weapons)

Well, I feel like my world has been turned upside down. The intelligence community says the war in Iraq is creating MORE terrorism. Dennis Hastert, seen here in his "so sue me" pose, didn't do anything when he found out Mark "Flamer" Foley was flaming after young pages. And you, sir, are cutting and running on your commitment to staying the course. Please stay the course on "stay the course." If I liked Flip Floppers, I would have removed people who were going to vote for you-- not Kerry-- from Ohio rosters. Duh!

Either way, I will not cut and run on you O Commander-in-chief, my Commander-in-chief. You will have my vote in 2008! We have a saying down in Texas: "This elephant don't bleed."

Only racists know the difference between Sunni and Shiite Muslims

2006-10-18T15:25:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, Jeff Stein's New York Times op-ed criticized the good men and women of Congress and the FBI for being unable to distinguish between Shiite and Sunni Muslims.

The chief of the FBI's new national security branch explains the difference thusly: "The basics goes back to their beliefs and who they were following. And the conflicts between the Sunnis and the Shia and the difference between who they were following." Sounds good to me. The Chief thought that Iran and Hezbolla were Sunni. Turns out they're not. Big deal! So sue him!

Alabama Republican Congressman Terry Everett, who is vice chairman of the House intelligence subcommittee on technical and tactical intelligence, says the difference between the two groups is "One's in one location, another's in another location. No, to be honest with you, I don't know. I thought it was differences in their religion, different families or something."

Jo Ann Davis, a Virginia Republican who heads a House intelligence subcommittee charged with overseeing the C.I.A.'s performance in recruiting Islamic spies and analyzing information, doesn't really know the difference but acknowledges, "You know, I should." Like a true American patriot, she goes with her gut and tries to define the difference anyway: "It's a difference in their fundamental religious beliefs. The Sunni are more radical than the Shia. Or vice versa. But I think it's the Sunnis who're more radical than the Shia."

Jeff Stein is just showing off how much he knows about the boring and irrelevant minutiae of the Muslim world. From the looks of his last name, I'd say he has an unfair advantage. He obviously hails from the desert originally and thus comes from a people who used to run into Shiites and Sunnis. I assume.

The more important point, however, is that these FBI agents and Republican members of Congress should be commended for ignoring the difference between Sunnis and Shiites. They refuse to buy into the ancient rivalry which violently divides Muslims today. These officials are ethnic-blind. I should know because I myself am color blind. When Stephen Colbert and I see a person, we don't see black or white, hispanic or other. We see AMERICAN. (This, of course, is why affirmative action is RACIST.)

Similarly, when real Americans look at a person who lives over there in the Middle East, they don't see Shiite or Sunni. They see an Arab/ Muslim/ Islamic person who speaks a language we can't understand and overreacts to cartoons and stuff. Perhaps the best example of an ethnic-blind American patriot is Trent Lott. If you look past his pro-segregation/Strom Thurmond stance , which liberals never do (get over it!), you see he's one of the most color blind people out there. And here's what he has to say about the Sunni/Shiite hoopla: "It's hard for Americans, all of us, including me, to understand what's wrong with these people. Why do they hate each other? Why do Sunnis kill Shiites? How do they tell the difference? They all look the same to me."

I thought LWWB's (Left-Wing Wing-Bats) like Jeff Stein and the New York Times would like this since they're all into equal rights and stuff. But I guess
not. I guess the old saying is true: "Scratch a liberal, and you'll find an ethnicist." Shame on you, Jeff Stein and New York Times. And congratulations FBI, members of Congress, and especially Trent Lott for being real Americans who judge a man not by the color of his skin or the prophet he follows, but by whether he's with us or against us in the war on terror! Thank you for realizing Martin Luther King's dream.

new gingrich "comes out" for gay rights

2006-10-10T12:11:00.000-07:00

Newt Gingrich has, yet again, proven himself as an advocate for gay rights. Newt rightly argued that if Republicans had actually done something about Congressman Foley's "over-friendly" overtures towards a 16-year-old male page, they would "have been accused of gay bashing."

Newt certainly has his finger on the pulse, limp-wristed as it is, of the gay community. Some of my best friends are homosexuals (Log Cabin Republicans, obviously) and every time a pedophile is prosecuted they scream "Stop the gaybashing! I feel like I was just bashed!"

We've always known Newt was an F.O.T.G. (Friend of the gays). He's stood by them and defended their interests, without them even knowing it. Arguing for a constitutional ban on gay marriage, Newt has fought to protect the gays from the bourgeois and mundane institution of marriage that he experienced and suffered. Married life was so tedious for Newt, which is why he served his really annoying wife divorce
papers when she was diagnosed with cancer. Ever the free spirit, Newt demanded a divorce from his second wife (on mother's day) and married his former congressional aid, with whom he was having an affair.

So gays, please thank Newt for standing up for you, for protecting you from gay bashing and from gay marriage.

an open letter to condie (girl talk)

2006-10-03T20:14:00.000-07:00

Dear Condie,
I feel really bad that Bob Woodward is picking on you in his new book, State of Denial. It must suck to have the world know that you ignored George Tenet's warning of an Al-Qaeda attack and dropped the ball on 9/11. Initially, you responded by denying having met with Tenet and said the suggestion that you would ignore a terrorist threat was "incomprehensible." But, as a State Department spokesman revealed, it turns out that you did meet with Tenet two months before 9/11 and he did express his fear of an imminent attack.

Now Condie, I was surprised and disappointed. You are a sharp woman and have a good memory, so why the discrepancy? But now that I realize what happened, my heart goes out to you. The answer was in the very book which seeks to crucify you. According to Woodward, Donald Rumsfeld was so bad about returning your phone calls, that Bush had to intervene and tell his Secretary of Defense to call you back. So of course you were distracted. You were heart broken and obsessing over a man who was ignoring you. We've all been there. And it certainly doesn't help when the guy not calling back is one of People Magazine's sexiest men.

So, Condie, if I were you, I would stop thinking about Rummy and start thinking about national security. I bet the second you start ignoring the Secretary of Defense, and stop ignoring warnings from the head of the CIA, Rummy will be calling you 24/7. That's just the way guys are. It's sad but true.

Keep up the good work and call me if you want more advice,
Katie

Increase in terrorism = stretch marks of democracy

2006-09-30T09:27:00.000-07:00

So, the New York Times released an NIE report claiming that the War in Iraq has caused more terrorism and made America less safe. Well, first of all, we all know that the people who work at the New York Times are a bunch of Macacas. And second of all, the increase in terrorism is just one of the burdens we must bear as we spread democracy. When that scuffle erupted between Israel and Hezbollah, Condie explained that "what we are seeing" were "the birth pangs of democracy." Well, the rise of Jihadism and anti-Americanism are merely the stretch marks, or hemorrhoids, if you will, of freedom.

Bush learned alternative interrogation techniques from Mom

2006-09-24T14:42:00.000-07:00

I can't be sure, but I'm pretty convinced that Barbara Bush was the inspiration behind the "alternative interrogation techniques" used on prisoners.
As Bush explains, these techniques "were tough, and they were safe and lawful and necessary." This is, I suspect, how Barbara described her own "alternative parenting techniques."

This isn't the only lesson Dubya had to learn from his mother (the hard way.) Barbara also showed Bush how lucky these detainees really are. When, after Katrina, Barbara visited the Astrodome in Houston, she observed, with great insight so many of the people in the arena here, you know, were underprivileged anyway, so this, this is working very well for them."

Well these people are underprivileged too. And they're lucky to have the shelter, food, tropical weather, and neon orange clothing provided free of charge.
Sure, innocent people who have never been charged with a crime are being held indefinitely. Sure, some detainees have been drugged, beaten, sexually abused, hung from their hands for days at a time and subject to water boarding and electric shocks. But they're probably the guilty ones anyway. And if not, they shouldn't have been in Afghanistan, or anywhere in the Middle East for that matter, anyway. (Nationality and place of birth are no excuse, by the way.)

These detainees were geographically underprivileged. And just as the flooded, stinking astrodome was a major step up for the poor people of New Orleans, the tropical paradise that is Guantanamo Bay, is a major step up from the middle east. But don't listen to me. Listen to the universally trusted and respected Secretary of defense/ climatologist Donald Rumsfeld: "Guantanamo Bay's climate is different than Afghanistan. To be in a eight-by-eight cell in beautiful sunny Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, is not inhumane treatment."

And I'm sure the secret prisons in Romania and Poland, while not sunny, have their own eastern European Communist architecture charm.

God spoke to me

2006-09-18T09:05:00.000-07:00

I have to admit, I have always been a little scared of Al Franken. After all, this is a man who my hero Bill O'Reilly diagnosed as having "serious emotional problems." So when we started talking about having Laughing Liberally, Screening Liberally, and Drinking Liberally host a post-screening happy hour, I was understandably nervous. But then, God-- the only man I trust more than Bill O'Reilly-- spoke and told me that the collaboration seemed a good fit-- that the film and our organizations had similar missions. The tagline of the film, Taking back America one laugh at a time, kinda sorta has something in common with Laughing Liberally's motto, "Saving democracy one laugh at a time." God also told me he had my back in case Franken tried to smote me or anything.

So, On Friday September 15th, with fear in my heart, I attended a sold out screening followed by a Q & A. I was too frightened to go alone, so I was flanked by my body guards, Drinking Liberally's Matt O'Neill, and Screening Liberally's Wendy Cohen and Leigh Wollinsky.

The film was fun and inspiring, and Al seemed pretty emotionally stable. I thought his deranged behavior must have been edited out of the film, but he was equally normal during the Q&A, which was great, although I wish Bill O'Reilly, Anne Coulter, and Sean Hannity had attended to provide some fairness and balance. (Obvi, Staurt Smalley would have been there to moderate if things got ugle.)

Audience members were obviously moved by the film: One woman described her "visceral reactions" to certain characters on the screen. My entire row shook in anguish as scenes brought back the repressed memory of thinking we were really going redefeat Bush in 2004. An American citizen of Iraqi descent told a story about being locked in a plane bathroom because he wasn't blond-haired and blue-eyed enough for the flight. (He was let out of the bathroom when he proved his patriotism by cursing in fluent American English.)

Asked "what can we do?" Al urged the audience to check out Tim Walz, who is running for congress. During a touching moment of bipartisanship and empathy, Al explained Bush's stance on the treatment of detainees: "We just gotta be able to torture people."

After the Q&A, we moseyed over to the IFC bar for the happy hour. It was a typical liberal shindig, where we plotted to overthrow the state, burned flags, married gays, drank soy organic lattes, ate sushi and read the New York Times. Audience members, people from Drinking, Laughing, and Screening Liberally, and people from organizations like The College Democrats of New York enjoyed chatting with each other and talking with Al, Nick Doob, Chris Hegedes and Frazer Pennebaker. They all "got pinned" with Drinking Liberally buttons. (We don't have Screening or Laughing Liberally buttons yet, but we know we're in their hearts.)

Even in person, Al seemed really normal and down to earth and I finally began to doubt O'Reilly's medical diagnosis (he's usually so on target!)

Let's keep our fingers crossed that Al runs for the Senate so that we can take back America one seat at a time. And so we can see Bill O'Reilly spontaneously combust.

Bush's question

2006-09-15T13:31:00.000-07:00

Defending his tough love prisoners plan, the President explained

“I have one test for this legislation. I’m going to ask one question as this legislation proceeds, and it’s this. The intelligence community must be able to tell me that the bill Congress sends to my desk will allow this vital program to continue.”

If that's not a good question, I don't know what is?

Bush's historical thesis

2006-09-05T15:39:00.000-07:00

Everyone loves to pick on Bush's unconventional use of the English language. The other day, when he explained his reading list was "epileptic," America-haters had another chance to make fun of our commander in chief. But anyone with any critical reading skills and any knowledge of real literature knows that Bush didn't misspeak. I knew what he meant: that the books are so exciting, they're downright seizure-inducing. And if you've read The Stranger,
you'll know what I'm talking about. I think I speak for all sophisticated readers when I say Camus gives me the shakes.

But even liberals have to give credit where credit is due. And when Bush described terrorists today as the " successors to fascists, to Nazis, to communists and other totalitarians of the 20th century," can anyone really challenge his analysis? Say what you will about our president, he has a keen understanding of the terrorist mind-set, ideology, and even religion. At a meeting with Iraqi Americans in 2002, the president was confused by the distinction between Sunnis and Shiites. A lesser president might have pretended to understand the conversation and waited until after the meeting to ask Dick or Condy,What's all this Sunni Shiite mumbo-jumbo. But Bush is a straight shooter, so he said, "I thought the Iraqis were Muslims." After understanding that there are Sunni and Shiite Muslims, understanding distinctions among islamism, fascism, Nazism, communism and totalitarianism is a "cake walk."

Bush to Katrina victims: "Party On!"

2006-08-29T10:08:00.000-07:00

As we celebrate the one year anniversary of Katrina, we must look towards the wisdom and leadership of our Commander in Chief, who offered the following timeless words last September: "I believe the town where I used to come to enjoy myself -- occasionally too much -- (laughter) -- will be that very same town, that it will be a better place to come to." Bush's message to the people of New Orleans was, to paraphrase, "Party On." Our President was-- and remains-- confident that out of the ashes of cocaine, vomit, and titty flashing he knows so well, a greater, more funner New Orleans will arise.

Laughing Liberally Special

2006-08-25T10:34:00.000-07:00

A Laughing Liberally special
Laughing with the Enemy! 3 conservative comics versus 3 liberal comics.

Monday, August 28th, 9:30
45th Street Theatre
354 West 45th Street
(Between 8th and 9th Ave)
TICKETS: $10
Call: 1-800-838-3006

From the Left:
Dean Obeidallah is a Palestinian-Italian-American, the co-founder of the New York Arab-American Comedy Festival, a frequent guest on Air America Radio and the winner of the "Spirit of Bill Hicks Award."
Benari Poulten is a former Congressional Aide, a former almost-child-star, and a former field coordinator for the Kerry campaign, and sometimes, he's a Staff Sgt. in the US Army Reserve.
Katie Halper is a walking stereotype: the female comic who jokes about judicial nomination processes and economic stratification. She's also a native Upper West Sider, where 'liberal' is a conservative word.

From the Right:
Robert George is a Catholic, West Indian black Republican. He's also a stand-up comedian...and an editorial writer for The New York Post.
Julia Gorin has appeared on "Politically Incorrect" and a number of Fox News shows (of course!). She was profiled in the book South Park Conservatives, and her jokes appear in the Complete Idiot's Guide to Jokes.
Dave Rosner: U. S. Marine Veteran (First Gulf War and Iraq), Comedian, Jew. He's been a Commentator on The Comcast Network and acted on MTV, Man Cow Radio Show and on Australian TV in sketch comedy, network drama and commercials

Major Gay Terrorist Threat Averted

2006-08-22T12:49:00.000-07:00

Thank gosh a major national security threat has been averted. The army has dismissed nine linguists discovered to be homosexual. Six of the linguists specialized in Arabic translation, a programmatic gap that the army has been desperately seeking to fill. Yet I think we can all agree with the decision: having a gay Arabic translator is a lot more dangerous than having no Arabic translators. Imagine how these anti-American, anti-family individuals might twist language to promote their homosexual agenda. “The captain wants to speak with you" could easily become, "The captain wants to kiss you on the lips." They could translate "We like Iraq" into "We like Iraqi men." Their perverted translations are only one of the many dangers these gays pose. They'd be risking the lives of our troops by going AWOL, designing Burkas in Baghdad, getting pedicures in Fallujah, and antiquing in Baghdad.

So, U.S. army, thanks for not letting the gays translate "An Army of one" into "an army of gays."

Show tonight, Friday August 18th!!!!!!

2006-08-18T12:15:00.000-07:00

MY OWN PRIVATE SHOW-DAHO

Well, not really private, but my own. I'm doing another Red Diaper Baby show this Friday. That means I'll be doing a non-laughing liberally show. It's been a while. With special guests!

Remember, this is at the NEW TANK IN TRIBECA

Red Diaper Baby Presents
The Tank
www.thetanknyc.org
279 Church street (btwn Franklin and White)
8PM
$5

See? NY Times really IS a commie rag!

2006-08-16T12:28:00.000-07:00

On December 16th 2005, when the New York Times published its expose of the NSA wiretapping, editor Bill Keller claimed his paper had delayed the story for a year. But it turns out the NYT started debating whether to publish the expose weeks before the November 2004 presidential elections. Of course, liberals are asking why the Times decided to wait until after the elections to write on the Bush administration's secret domestic surveillance program. And they're asking why Keller would lie about how long the Times had delayed the publication. Keller's response is clear and understandable: "It was probably inelegant wording...I don't know what was in my head at the time."

What is "inelegant" is the wording of the expose published in the Jew York Times. What is really "inelegant" is publishing a piece critical of the commander–in-chief who was forced to spy on us so he could keep us safe and free. And what is really, really “inelegant” is apologizing for not publishing a story like this before the election. And what is really, really, really "inelegant" is apologizing for lying about sitting on a story until after the elections.

So I ask you, Bill Keller: "What is your head now?" Oh yeah, I already now: a bunch of empty space and a bunch of liberal, freedom-hating baloney. Only someone as deaf, dumb and blind as your ancestor would publish such a dangerous, hateful, and anti-American piece of trash.

Lieberman comes out as bipartisan

2006-08-15T22:01:00.000-07:00

OK liberals. I really don't get you. I thought you were the ones who favored gay marriage, who thought the gays should be able to serve in the military and adopt children. I thought you were touchy feely about gender and sexuality. So why are you and "al-Qaeda" types attacking Joe Lieberman because he’s bipartisan? Why, all of a sudden, are liberals being so partisan-normative? Other politicians pretend to be bipartisan, but we all know they're bi-curious at best, dabbling in bipartisan agreements, experimenting with political reach-arounds across the aisle only when other politicians are looking. And once they've graduated to a senior senator, they've definitely outgrown it. We've all heard the term "BUG" or "Bi Until Graduation."

But Lieberman is the real deal, not some politician in a Senators Gone Wild video. For Joe, bipartisanship is not a phase or a fad, but rather an inherent part of his identity. Lieberman knows we're all on a political spectrum and he recognizes that it’s not about your voting records or your party. It’s about being in office.. In fact, Joe likes to wear his "F#*& your party" buttons and drive with a “labels are for jars” bumper sticker (not to be confused with a car label). Joe is fluid he’s run with Al Gore AND he’s kissed George W. Bush. And at the end of the day, Joe can go home to Hadassah, who not only accepts, but encourages her husband’s political three-ways.

So Liberals, (and al-Qaeda types), listen up!

He's here, he's bi, get used it... and vote for him!

Republicans heart Abramoff

2006-08-14T09:27:00.000-07:00

Roger Stillwell, a former Interior Department Official, has pled guilty to accepting bribes from Republican lobbyist Jack Abramoff. Republicans from Bob Ney to Tom Delay can't seem to get enough of Jack.

Interestingly enough, Abramoff had offered his services to the Sudanese government, attempting to help them polish their genocide-tainted image. Sudan, however, kindly declined Abramoff's "making ethnic cleansing sexy again" campaign. Abramoff may be too sleazy for a government that encourages murderous militias on horseback to rape, murder and pillage, But Jack is A O.K. for the G.O.P.

Focus on the Family asks "who's your daddy?"

2006-08-09T21:51:00.000-07:00

A few days ago, I commended James Dobson's Focus on the Family for mobilizing their base against Barbara Boxer's amendment to the Child Custody Protection Act. Again, the amendment offered up by wing bat left coaster Barbara Boxer said girls who were raped by their fathers wouldn't have to notify their parents before getting an abortion. Sadly, this ammendmant passed. But at least we know that Focus on the Family speaks for the unborn child AND the rapist father.

Today, I was on Focus on the Family's website --it's hard to avoid since it's my homepage :)-- and I was delighted to see the featured article A date with Dad, which immediately grabs readers with its engaging and suspenseful opening:

Katie giggles as she waits for her date to come around and open the car door. The pair enters an ice cream shop. She sits down at the table as her date gently pushes in her chair. He takes her hand from across the table and asks, "What flavor would you like tonight, Sugar?" Katie smiles and says, "I'll have chocolate, Daddy.

I, of course, immediately identified with the main character, Katie, who shares my name. But I asked my friends not named Katie and they were equally moved by the piece.

The piece continues: "More and more fathers are becoming aware of their influence and regularly dating their daughters."

After reading A Date with Dad, check out the following books which you can order through Focus on the Family's website: "What a Difference a Daddy Makes" and "She Calls me Daddy."

And dads, make sure you check out the "Date Night Activities" section. (I know my personal faves are Mocha drinking and shopping/ healthy modesty discussions. Stamp collecting is pretty awesome too.)

1. See the town. Go for a drive pointing out areas to avoid and fun places to hang out.

2. Dine out. Eat at a restaurant that doesn't serve toys in a bag. Make it a fancy evening.

3. Drink mocha. Visit your local coffeehouse or bookstore.

4. Get fit. Go bike riding, inline skating or scootering.

5. Share a hobby. Collect stamps, paint or build something together.

6. Play games. Go bowling, golfing or hit the arcades.

7. Shop. This may be the only chance you have at helping her pick out an outfit. It also provides a great opportunity for a healthy talk about modesty.

8. Take a risk. Ask her what she wants to do. After all, you'll expect her potential dates to think of her interests as he plans outings.

What does Ahmadinejad really think about Israel? Guess We'll Never Know

2006-08-08T20:37:00.000-07:00

This Sunday's New York Times had an article entitled Iranian 101: A Lesson for Americans The Fine Art of Hiding What You Mean to Say

The article explains that Iranians speak in a kind of diplomatic and indirect code, called Taroof, which consists of sugar-coating what they really think, offering fake praise, in order to avoid conflict.

I have one thing to say to this expose: "Nu-Duh." We already know this, New York Times. We already know that Iranians speak that way because we've all heard Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad practice Taroff. If saying that "Israel must be wiped off the map," and calling the Holocaust a "myth" isn't sugar-coated diplomacy, I don't know what is. I wish Ahmadinejad would quit sweet-talking Israel and the U.S., and say what's really on his mind. But I guess he's just speaking in Taroof. It's just part of his culture.

Well thanks a lot New York Times. Thanks a lot for, once again, shoddy reporting, wasting space, and pointing out the obvious.

You know who could learn from Mahmoud "Mamo" Ahmadinejad's discretion? Mel Gibson. I'll admit that Gibson put his stigmatad foot in his mouth when he said "Fu**ing Jews. The Jews are responsible for all the war in the world." But, the liberal media, run and controlled by you know who, has unfairly crucified Mel Gibson. Gibson is no anti-Semite. Anyone who has seen his movies know this actor is no pacifist. He is not accusing Jews of starting wars: he is commending them. And by asking the arresting offer "Are you a Jew?", Gibson was shattering the stereotype of the Jew as intellectual nerd. He didn't want to assume that a cop couldn't be Jewish, because then he would be making an ASS of U and ME and... the Jews. What Gibson did was actually a mitzvah.

(Barbara) Boxer gives family values a 1-2-3 jab

2006-08-03T13:21:00.000-07:00

Last week, Liberal elitist Barbara Boxer just couldn't hold back when the senate attempted to pass a bill saving the American family and American girls.

The Child Custody Protection Act sought to make it a federal crime for a grandparent, clergy member, confidant to transport a minor across state lines to obtain an abortion if she has not notified her parents . The bill was as brave and pure as its sponsors' hearts and allowed for NO EXCEPTIONS.

Barbara Boxer introduced a godless amendment saying that it would not be crime if the minor's father had committed incest.

Thank God, organizations that protect American Family Values such as James Dobson's Focus on the Family, Tony Perkins's Family Research Council, Susan B. Anthony List, Feminists for Life, organized an on-line campaign pressuring the Senate to defeat Boxer's devilish amendment.

Sadly, their voices did not make it from their mouths to God's ear, and the Boxer amendment was passed. But these brave men and women had the decency to ask themselves "What Would Jesus Do?". And they know He would make girls ask their rapist fathers for permission to abort their love child. Because if that's not a family value, I don't know what is.

Sign the Minutemen Pledge

2006-08-01T11:02:00.001-07:00

I was so upset that I missed the Minutemen ("a citizens' Vigilance Operation monitoring immigration, business, and government") when they came to NYC to kick off their Minutemen: the battle to secure America's borders book launch. The book is written by Minutemen founder Jim Gilchrist and Unfit for Command: Swift Boat Veterans for the Truth co-author, Dr. Jerome Corsi. Tastefully and appropriately, the Minutemen held their news conference last week at "high noon" at Ground zero "the site where terrorists in the U.S. illegally committed the mass murder of nearly 3,000 Americans."

But here's what we can do to help.

1) "Send Minutemen to the top of the best-sellers list" through amazon or through a Minutemen Book Club

2) Start your own Minutemen Chapter

3) "Do the Job our government won't do, bring national awareness to the alien invasion of the United States" and join the Minutemen

4) Contribute to the billboard project

5) Sign the Minutemen pledge NB make sure you sign the pledge in front of witnesses, or it will not be valid.

The Minuteman Pledge
1776-2006
I pledge that I shall obey the rule of law. I shall be prepared to set aside my livelihood,
comfort and personal interests to answer the call to protect the Sovereignty of the United
States of America against all predators from within or from beyond our shores.
I pledge to hold dear the truths contained in the Declaration of Independence which state
that all men are created equal, and therefore, I shall not hold prejudice nor animosity
against any race, religion or national ethnicity. I pledge that I shall live a life that is
worthy of the honor that has been bestowed upon me by being a citizen of this Great
Nation.
I pledge that I shall raise my voice in peaceful demonstration in the face of injustice. I
shall not be silent when others revile my Patriotism. I shall exercise compassion with
strength when faced with adversity. I shall encourage justice and support those who
choose to do that which is honorable.
I shall be vigilant and not fearful, for I am a Minuteman, a Patriot who is accountable to
God and Country.
With a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence, I do hereby pledge, on my
honor, my diligent obeisance to the precepts contained within The Minuteman Pledge.
I hereby acknowledge my pledge before these witnesses:
Date:_________________________
______________________________ ________________________
Minuteman Jim Gilchrist
______________________________ Founder of the Minuteman Project, Inc.
Address MinutemanProject.com
______________________________
City
______________________________
State, Zip Code
______________________________
E-mail Address
Â© 2006 Minuteman Project, Inc.
MMP
1776 - 2006
Jim Gilchrist

Lebanon = "birth pangs"

2006-07-31T09:32:00.001-07:00

I was disturbed to read that Israeli air strikes had killed 57 civilians, 37 children. I thought it was wrong to bomb a residential building, where 2 extended families, who couldn't afford to evacuate, were seeking refuge.

But then I remembered that what is happening in Lebanon is a natural birthing process. As secretary of state and midwifery, Condoleeza Rice pointed out last week, "What we're seeing here, in a sense, is the growing -- the birth pangs of a new Middle East. And whatever we do, we have to be certain that we are pushing forward to the new Middle East, not going back to the old one. "

Condy won't call for a cease-fire until her lamaze coaching duties are over, until the Middle East "push[es] forward a baby democracy called "Lebanon". Condy's 2 other democratic offspring, promising problem child "Iraq", 3 years old, and cute but hyper-active 6-moth old "Palestine" are excited to have a new sibling to play with. Because the 2 siblings were getting on each others' nerves.

Lebanon = "birth pangs"

2006-07-31T09:32:00.000-07:00

I was disturbed to read that Israeli air strikes had killed 57 civilians, 37 children. I thought it was wrong to bomb a residential building, where 2 extended families, who couldn't afford to evacuate, were seeking refuge.

But then I remembered that what is happening in Lebanon is a natural birthing process. As secretary of state and midwifery, Condoleeza Rice pointed out last week, "What we're seeing here, in a sense, is the growing -- the birth pangs of a new Middle East. And whatever we do, we have to be certain that we are pushing forward to the new Middle East, not going back to the old one."

Condy won't call for a cease-fire until her lamaze coaching duties are over, until the Middle East "push[es] forward" a baby democracy called "Lebanon". Condy's 2 other democratic offspring, promising problem child "Iraq", 3 years old, and cute but hyper-active 6-moth old "Palestine" are excited to have a new sibling to play with. Because the 2 siblings were getting on each others' nerves.

Let AT&T Rein!

2006-07-27T21:17:00.000-07:00

Earlier this week, a Chicago judge dismissed a lawsuit which sought to prevent AT&T from handing over records to the federal government in the war on terror. This is great news for the Bush administration, which had argued that the case against AT&T be thrown out because it contained “sensitive” information. It's also great news for people like me and you. Next time somebody sues me for committing a crime and violating the constitution, I’ll just explain that I’m very sensitive and it would really hurt my feelings for the case to proceed.

why a cease-fire would be dumb

2006-07-26T13:26:00.000-07:00

Diplomats from the United States, Europe, Egypt, Jordan and Saudi Arabia who were meeting in Rome have announced they will not call for a cease-fire. Apparently, Condi, as usual, saved the day, by refusing to allow their statement to call for an “immediate cease-fire.” Instead, Condi insisted the statement announce the diplomats “work immediately to bring a ceasefire.” And thank God. Because a cease-fire would be so dumb.

As Bush explained: "So Condi goes [to the Middle East] with the following messages: We support the [Lebanese] government; we care about the people; we will help to get aid to the people; and that we want a sustainable cease-fire. We don't want something that's short-term in duration. We want to address the root causes of the violence in the area, and therefore, our mission and our goal is to have a lasting peace -- not a temporary peace, but something that lasts." We should wait until there is a sustainable and lasting peace before we call for a cease-fire. It’s that kind of logic that has always informed my steadfast opposition to food aid programs. We must not give out food aid until we have ended world hunger. Duh

And say what you will about our administration, I think we can all agree that "[they] don’t want something that’s short-term in duration." Whether it’s the war in Iraq, or national debt, Bush is in it for the long hall.

The administration has to be right about a cease-fire. They’ve thought about it really long and hard. They were so painstaking in their deliberations, they had to wait almost two weeks before sending Condi on her surprise visit to Beirut.

A cease-fire would be “simplistic.” In the words of John Bolton "The notion that you just declare a cease fire and act as if that is going to solve the problem, I think is simplistic…" And John Bolton knows about simplicity. The ambassador to the UN is a man of such nuance and subtlety, he was able to see that "If the U.N. secretary building in New York lost 10 stories, it wouldn't make a bit of difference..."

Of course, this doesn’t mean that the administration doesn’t care about murder or the destruction of life. I think we all know the president "things murder is wrong." Surely, if 406 frozen embryos had been "murdered", the president would call for an immediate cease-fire, and stop funding Israel. If 406 people in a permanently vegetated state connected to feeding tubes, had been murdered, the president would have flown all the way from Crawford to D.C. to sign a bill protecting the sanctity of their lives. Luckily, we haven't crossed this "moral boundary" yet. Luckily, this is just collateral damage.

Hillary on Israel.

2006-07-25T10:06:00.000-07:00

At a rally for Israel in front of the UN. Hillary Clinton asked the following rhetorical question: "I want us here in New York to imagine if extremist terrorists were launching rocket attacks across the Mexican or Canadian border, would we stand by or would we defend America against these attacks from extremists?"
I think Hillary asks a great question. And based on recent history and our governmentÂs response to the last time NY was attacked by "extremist terrorists", I think we all know what the U.S. government would do if we were attacked by, say, Mexico.

1) We would drop some cluster bombs on Mexico, preferably tortilla shaped bombs so civilians would confuse the bombs with food and pick them up
2) We would allow the leader of the extremist terrorist organization to leave Mexico
3) We would then invade El Salvador in search of phantom WMDs and cause a Salvadoran civil war
4) we would destabilize the entire region of Latin America
5) And, por su puesto, Hillary would vote for this war on Latin American terror.

So thank you, Hillary, for showing us that those who do not learn from history, are condemned to repeat it.

Gay Marriage is so... gay

2006-07-21T13:05:00.000-07:00

Last week’s tragic congressional defeat of the bill to defend the family, i.e. amend the constitution to ban gay marriage, makes me think of one of my favorite people ever. Mary Cheney. Mary just "came out" with her memoirs, Now It's My Turn: A Daughter's Chronicle of Political Life.
Ever the martyr, Mary is doing her part to support an administration that is doing its part to warp The Constitution in the noble name of homophobia. And what is she getting in return? Nothing! Besides a mere advance of one million dollars from Simon and Schuster.
The book reveals a Mary who is so principled, that the president’s position on gay marriage gives her “a knot in the pit of my stomach.” It must be that debilitating pain from her stomach that prevents Cheney using her role as an out republican to champion the cause of gay rights. The paralyzing knot must be what made her choose to “keep a low profile” i.e. not appear on stage with her dad, and at the same time, run her father’s 2004 campaign.

Mary's so proud of being “gay,” she recalls cussing when Jon Kerry referred to her as a lesbian: "he had used the word 'lesbian,' instead of the more common and politically neutral term 'gay.' " (exactly how self loathing does a lesbian have to be to object to being described as, well, a lesbian?) Shame on you Kerry! How would you like it if someone described you as straight?

Now I have no problems with the gays (see, unlike Kerry, I would never degrade them by using the L Word). Some of my best friends are gay. But I do have trouble believing that Mary Cheney is gay. I don't know what turns people gay, nature or nurture, but whatever it is, if anything could over turn it, it's Dick Cheney's virulence, vitality, and good old fashioned sex appeal. How could a woman turn out gay after being raised by the sexiest, the most charismatic, the most dynamic man ever? I defy any gay woman or straight man to even think about Dick for a few minutes and not at least consider switching teams, or as I like to call it, “pulling a Lieberman.”

But enough from me. Listen to what these gay comics have to say about gay marriage in this Laughing Liberally video

Come see these comics and more Mondays (til August 27th) @ 8PM at the 45th street theater @ 354 West 45th st go to www.laughingliberally.com for tix!

Happy Birthday Mr. President...

2006-07-12T09:42:00.000-07:00

Dear president Bush,

We at Laughing Liberally are so upset we forgot about your birthday last week, especially since you’re sooo good about birthdays. Even during Katrina, which we all know really drove you crazy, even as you mourned the loss of Trent Lott’s porch, you took the time to fly to Arizona and give John McCain a birthday cake. (We were going to get you a brass belt buckle but Stephan Harper beat us to it.) So we decided to make you this video. Enjoy!

P.S. If you're in NYC this summer, totally come check out our shows. And invite Cheney (if he's feeling up to it) because I think he'll really get a kick out of it.

New York City - JULY 17 - AUGUST 28
Mondays at 8:00pm
The 45th Street Theatre
354 West 45th Street
Between 8th and 9th Avenue Tickets - $30/$15
Call: 1-800-838-3006
or Click Here

Featuring: Jim David (Comedy Central Presents), Julie Goldman (VH-1 and HBO's Sopranos), Dean Obeidallah (Arab-American Comedy Festival), Scott Blakeman (Air America Radio), Lee Camp (E!), Negin Farsad (Sirius Radio), Katie Halper (Yearly Kos), Jamie Jackson (Town Hall), Elizabeth June (Carolines), Leighann Lord (Comedy Central Premium Blend), Benari Poulten (U.S. Army), Harry Terjanian (MTV), Baratunde Thurston (HBO comedy festival) & more... (Different Line-Up Every Week!)

Confessions of a cute and brainy comic

2006-06-20T22:06:00.000-07:00

In case you've fallen behind on your National Review reading, don't miss a critical review of Laughing Liberally entitled Soap's Up: A crass lefty comedy tour, by David Finnigan. And in case you haven't heard of me, I am "Cute" and "brainy" Katie Halper. As "the lineup's only woman, and only profanity-free comic" I feel it's best for me to respond to the review as I'm afraid that the dirty-mouthed comics of Laughing Liberally would write something along the lines of: "*&^% you!" "What the *&^% are you talking about?" "Are we really supposed to give a &*%$ about offending Ann Coulter?"

I did not, contrary to popular belief, get my liberal feminist panties all up in a bunch upon reading this review. I am brainy enough to know when I've been busted. And I actually agree with the review.
I admit, "The whole show was a bit of a crude cliché. All the comics easily fit into MTV-assigned Real World stereotypes: the Arab-American talked about 9/11...." Just like every other half Palestinian-American, half Italian-American-Catholic comic, Dean Obeidallah mentioned 9/11, an event irrelevant to the rest of the population. He should just shut up because nobody cares about 9/11 any more. It's so 2001. Likewise, "the black comic [Shang] was angry.... He praised praised North Korean dictator Kim Jong-il's fashion sense (`His style is so pimp!'). Shang's dirty mouth and gold chain imprisoned him in black stereotypes." So, Shang, take it from a National Review "brother" who knows: you have nothing to lose but your gold chains. So ditch them and buy yourself some Banana Republic clothes. To clean your mouth, try this replacing pimp with procurer. It sounds just as cool to say "Kim Jong-il's style is--"so procurer."

I, perhaps, am the biggest stereotype of all. "The cute woman was a little brainy." I am guilty of jumping on the cute woman who is a little brainy comic bandwagon. I try so hard not to join the club of female comics who stand up on stage and talk about nothing but Iranian diplomacy and the United States Supreme Court. I wish I could talk about things female comics never talk about like boys, dieting and bikini waxes. But we are all products of our society, and seeing my fellow female comics talk exclusively about Darfur and Plamegate makes it hard for me to tackle the harder issues female comics shy away from.

Not only are we walking stereotypes, but we are mean, going after defenseless targets like The Governator. The article raises a key question: "San Francisco comedian Will Durst mocked California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger's Austrian accent Would they have done that to a Hispanic?." Well, Will. Would you have? I don't think so. But why not be as culturally sensitive to Austrians as you are to Latinos. Just like their Hispanic hermanos, Austrians, especially those in Hollywood and political office, are victims of cultural and institutional racism. Every time somebody mocks "It's not a tumor!" anti-Austrian prejudice is perpetuated.

The comics even went after Ann Coulter. Which is just mean. I think that one thing conservatives and liberals can agree on is that Coulter is the Mother Teresa of punditry. But, believe it or not, the show ended with "a gay comic's routine featuring riffs on Ann Coulter. He said Coulter hails from "Planet [expletive, rhymes with hunt]" and that the next Republican National Convention would be held `in her vagina.' The audience forgave the vaginal jokes, and instead hissed upon hearing Coulter's name." Maybe the audience forgave Jim David (the "gay comic" who "camped it up") for his Anne Coulter v_ _ _ _ _ jokes. But I do not condone the "liberal use of obscenities that would make Ann Coulter, and her mother, blush." A former NRO contributor, Coulter is the most sensitive representative of the right, and never says anything that would make herself or her mother blush. This should come as no surprise since she admits, "Christianity fuels everything I write." Her Christian values, in fact, were behind her suggestion that the U.S. "should invade [Muslims'] countries, kill their leaders and convert them to Christianity." Such What would Jesus do reflecting, "ended her relationship" with the National Review.

It is especially inappropriate to make fun of her v_ _ _ _ _, since Coulter is so respectful of her gender, even though we are "not as smart as men." Coulter refuses to reduce women to sex objects. Referring to women whose husbands died on 9/11, Coulter writes, "And by the way, how do we know their husbands weren't planning to divorce these harpies? Now that their shelf life is dwindling, they'd better hurry up and appear in Playboy.... " Unlike "crass comics" from the left, this noble pundit from the right shies away from vulgar cheap shots: "Women like Pamela Harriman and Patricia Duff are basically Anna Nicole Smith from the waist down. Let's just call it for what it is. They're whores." All in all, the left can learn from Coulter's nuanced rhetoric: "Clinton is in love with the erect penis" and "masturbates in sinks." We liberals should stop cursing, put down our New York Times, and emulate Coulter's tact: "My only regret with Timothy McVeigh is he did not go to the New York Times building."

This is bold, not base. It is one thing for former National Review righters like Coulter to be offensive; for Bill O'Reilly to have a dirty mouth, write erotic thrillers like Those who Trespass and flatter his coworker: "You have really spectacular b- - - -... I'd wanna take a shower with you...I would get your n- - - - - - really hard. I would take the falafel thing, and I'd put in on your p- - - -;" and for Whitehouse favorite, journalist-cum-prostitute Jeff Gannon-cum-James Guckert to get paid to "take care of a horny bottom". Conservative pundits and "journalists" are allowed--no, supposed--to be crass, vulgar and/ or escorts. But it is irresponsible and unforgivable for comics to curse. I still haven't forgiven Lenny Bruce.

So the question is, why do we curse? "Didn't our moms tell us that the only people who used four-letter words were the ones who didn't have anything more intelligent to say? Some Democratic friends recently did their best to rehabilitate that maternal axiom" at Laughing Liberally. It's true. We do grasp at curse words only when we can't think of anything intelligent to say. President Bush never curses. While a Democrat would have told Michael Brown, the former chief of the ironically titled Federal Emergency Management Agency, he was doing a "hell of a job," a considerate Bush said, "Brownie. You're doing a heck of a job." Such profanity-free speech expresses the character and intelligence of our president, and reminds us why he should not be "misunderestimated". It shows us that he's "cute" and "a little brainy." I'll admit it: he's my inspiration.

So the next time I hear my fellow liberal comics use a curse word, I will turn to them, call forth the great words my Vice-President once delivered to Patrick Leahy on the Senate floor and say: "Go f- - - yourself!"

Saturday Night! 2 shows!

2006-06-16T19:58:00.000-07:00

Laugh at me in Bastan
Message: Hello all,
I'll be performing Thursday night and Saturday
Night at Jimmy Tingle's.
Contact me about possible discounts/ comps
xo
katie

Laughing Liberally @
Jimmy Tingles Off-Broadway Theater
http://www.jtoffbroadway.com/
255 Elm Street, Davis Square
Somerville, MA 02144
Buy Online: Buy Tickets Now!
Phone Sales: 866-811-4111
Infomation: 617-591-1616

June 15 @ 7:30
June 17 @ 10

YEARLY KOS WAS DA BOMB!

2006-06-12T21:36:00.000-07:00

More to come! But for now, just know, Yearly Kos was AMAZING.

Here's a picture of me with my co-bouncers China and Beth. Security is a dirty job, but somebody's gotta do it.

Bush masters difference between IraN and IraQ (almost)

2006-06-05T16:15:00.000-07:00

For the first time in 25 years, the United States has offered to hold direct talks with Iran because, as they say in Texas, "it's nice to get to know a country before you 'mission accomplish' it."

Fellow hard-core Condy fans may remember that the secretary of state suggested that the U.S. knew the difference between Iran and Iraq When asked about the possibility of the U.S. using Greek facilities to intervene in Iraq, COndy bucked the question at hand and answered the question on everybody's mind: Does Bush realize that Iran and Iraq are 2 separate countries? "Let me get right to the crux of the question. The United States of America believes and understands that Iran is not Iraq."

I'm sure everyone in the room breathed a sigh of relief. Now we can rest assured that Condy has made Bush some I-R-A-N I-R-A-Q flashcards. He can find the countries on the map. He can almost spell them, accept he keeps writing Iraqu because he just mastered the U after Q rule, and now of course, the president has to deal with the one word to which the rule does not apply, which the president has labeled "no fair."

An open letter of appreciation to the Governator

2006-06-02T12:19:00.000-07:00

Being here in LA really makes me appreciate you, Governator Schwarzenegger.

I'm reminded of your couragous denial of Stanley Tookie Williams' clemency request. Thank you for executing this former gang leader turned anti-gang activist (It's too bad that the lethal injection took 34 minutes, but what are you gonna do?).

You saw through his charade, his machinations, his lies, his pretensions to redemption. You asked, "Is Williams' redemption complete and sincere, or is it just a hollow promise?" Of course it was a hollow promise. We've all seen this before:

1. Gang leader is sent to death row
2. Gang leader goes through the motions of redemption:
a) publishes books and gives speeches on peaceful alternatives to gang membership
b) receives nominations for the Nobel Peace Prize
c) receives nominations for the Nobel Prize in Literature
d) wins the President's Call to Service Award in 2005

As a fair and balanced governator, you acknowledge Tookie's efforts in your denial: "Williams has written books that instruct readers to avoid the gang lifestyle and to stay out of prison. He has also recently tried to preach a message of gang avoidance and peacemaking, including a protocol for street peace to be used by opposing gangs." Yet as you explain in footnote number 5, "Williams' perennial nominations for the Nobel peace prize and Nobel prize in literature from 2001-2005 and the receipt of the President's Call to Service award in 2005 do not have persuasive weight in this clemency request."

Having starred in several violent movies, you have a special insight into the violent lifestyle, which allows you to ask tough questions: If Tookie is so committed to ending gang violence, why does gang violence still exist? If Tookie really cared about ending gang violence, wouldn't it be over by now? He has been writing books for ten years: "It is hard to assess the effect of such efforts in concrete terms, but the continued pervasiveness of gang violence leads one to question the efficacy of Williams' message." Exactly!

While Tookie was wasting his time writing ineffective pop psychology books and manuals such as the Tookie Speaks Out Against Gang Violence book series and Protocals for Peace, you were actually making a difference, using your art to preach positive messages to America's youth. Who can forget the way Twins addressed sibling rivalry, a theme nobody wanted to touch with a 6 foot pole, nobody, that is, but you and Danny DeVito. Or the way you showed men that it was OK to be teachers through your role as Detective John Kimble in Kindergarten Cop. Or the gender norms you challenged in your portrayal of the pregnant Dr. Hesse in Junior. We will never know how many youth you saved during the three years you sat on George Herbert Walker Bush's Council on Physical Fitness and Sports

And from the beginning of your career you encouraged young people to be comfortable with their own bodies by posing frontally nude.

It is so noble of you to help black people solve their problems. As you state in footnote number 6: "Breaking the cycle of hopelessness and gang violence is the responsibility of us all, not just the most affected African American or inner city communities. It is important to work together with respect, understanding and patience if we are to one day succeed." A white Austrian action hero governor will help this community much more than a black man behind bars. Now that Tookie is dead, black people will be freed of his distractions, his claims of redemption, his unsuccessful attempts at ending gang violence. And they will instead be able to pay attention to the solutions and suggestions you offer the black community.

Of course redemption is possible. But it is possible for the few. It is obvious that Tookie could not redeem himself from gang leader to peace activist. But you Mr. Schwarzenegger, were able to redeem yourself from a sexually harassing, weight lifting, action hero to a thoughtful, insightful, governor, who has his finger on the pulse of the African American community. And for that as well, I commend you.

P.S. I know that your home town of Graz, Austria, removed your name from its sports stadium, which they had named after you in 1997, to protest your denial of clemency. You may not have a stadium in Graz, but you have a home in the best place on earth-- Sacramento, California, U,S, of A!. And I'm sure you wouldn't trade that in for anything in the world, least of all the approval of a bunch of girly men.

Sincerely,
Katherine Rose Halper

Laughing Liberally National Tour starts TOMORROW!

2006-06-02T11:54:00.000-07:00

Hi all,
so our national tour kicks off tomorrow in LA
Then we're off to Las Vegas for Yearly Kos
and then to Baaston

"We consider ourselves bi-coastal, if you consider the Mississippi River one of the coasts"

National Tour - Next Stop Los Angeles June 3rd
From sea to shining sea, the liberal laughers of America will soon be able to enjoy an evening of progressive punchlines as Laughing Liberally launches its national tour.

The Laughter from the Left returns for an encore performance at New York's Town Hall on Friday, May 19th. After a packed debut in February, the performers-turned-pundits are ready to rock and rally Times Square.

From there, the show hits the road: first to Los Angeles, for one night at the Wadsworth on Saturday, June 3; then to the Yearly Kos Convention in Las Vegas on Thursday and Friday, June 8 & 9; and back to the east coast for two weeks at Jimmy Tingle's Off-Broadway Theater in Boston, June 15-24.

More dates are being added through the summer and into the fall -- stay posted for updates, or invite Laughing Liberally to your community.

www.laughingliberally.com

LOS ANGELES
Wadsworth Theater
June 3rd, 2006 @ 8:30pm
Tickets: $40/22
Buy Online: Buy Tickets Now!
Phone Sales: 213-480-3232
Tickets can also be purchased at The Wadsworth Theater Box Office (11301 Wilshire Blvd, Los Angeles, CA)

FEATURING:
Marc Maron (Air America Radio)
Rick Overton (Dennis Miller Live)
Will Durst (Comedy Central & HBO),
Jim David (Comedy Central Presents),
Dean Obeidallah (Air America Radio & Winner of Spirit of Bill Hicks Award),
Shang (HBO & Comedy Central)
James Adomian (The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson)
Katie Halper (Town Hall)
Videos by DNEXT.com
(program subject to change)

LAS VEGAS
Yearly Kos

BOSTON
Jimmy Tingles Off-Broadway Theater
255 Elm Street, Davis Square
Somerville, MA 02144
June 15-17 & 22-24
Tickets: $22-30
Buy Online: Buy Tickets Now!
Phone Sales: 866-811-4111
Infomation: 617-591-1616

Hosted by Jimmy Tingle
FEATURING:
Julie Goldman (HBO's Sopranos & VH-1),
Dean Obeidallah (Air America Radio & CNN)- only June 15-17,
& Scott Blakeman (Air America Radio & NPR)- only June 22-24
and more comics from the left.
(program subject to change)

Laughing Liberally this FRIDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-05-17T13:14:00.000-07:00

Come see Laughing Liberally at Town Hall again! it sold out last time, so get yer tix!

And check out the video!

www.laughingliberally.com

How the Left Misunderstands and misunderestimates Steven Colbert

2006-05-16T13:44:00.000-07:00

The Left wing "factinista" thinks Steven Colbert is one of them. They think his speech at the Correspondents Dinner was a mockery of Bush and his stellar and (extremely) dynamic administration. But as usual, these lefties are too bloated on sushi, too hopped up on caffeine from their soy lattes, too blind from reading books, that they can't see the truth that's right in front of their four-eyes: Steven Colbert isn't making fun of the administration, he is the administration's speechwriter.

Apparently the White House was so impressed by Steven Colbert's pro-Bush anti-Helen "Dowdy" Thomas video, they decided to keep Tony Snow, but hire Steven Colbert for his great rhetorical skills. One of Colbert's most poignant points at the Correspondents Dinner was: I believe in America. I believe it exists. My gut tells me I live there. I feel that it extends from the Atlantic to the Pacific, and I strongly believe it has 50 states. This Colbertesque turn of phrase is found in Condoleeza Rice's response to a wily Greek reporter who asked Condy weather the U.S. would use Greek facilities to intervene in Iran. The always eloquent Rice, emboldened no doubt, by the bullet proof rhetorical shield provided by Colbert, saw right through the reporter's facade and down and dirty: "Let me go right to the crux of the question," Rice said in Greece. "The United States of America understands and believes that Iran is not Iraq.

If only the left had the courage to believe and understand that Iraq and Iran are different countries and that America exists.

3 Open letters in support of H.R. 4437

2006-04-13T18:10:00.000-07:00

Politics makes strange bedfellows, sometimes literally, and sometimes figuratively. We’re all charmed by the way Republican spin doctor Mary Matalin and Democrat Spin Doctor James Carville have overcome their ideological differences through pure unadulterated sexual chemistry. Let’s be honest, people, who among us could resist her beady eyes, and almost invisible lips, and his smooth cranium and teasingly tinted glasses. We were all moved by the lovers’ spat between Teddy Kennedy and Arlen Spector we were treated to during the Alito trial, when the two opposing senators argued over letters sent, unanswered, and/ or lost, and visits to the White House gym locker room. So it comes as no surprise that H.R. 4437: Border Protection, Antiterrorism, and Illegal Immigration Control Act of 2005, has united a seemingly incompatible army of opposition, which includes the usually sensible President Bush, much of the communist leaning clergy, and the always shrill immigrants’ rights community. HR 4437 was passed by the House. But it still needs to pass the Senate. I have broken down the argument for HR4437 into three parts. Each part is specifically tailored to one of the members of what I like to call the “coalition of the unwilling.” And by unwilling I mean, those unwilling to save America.

President Bush: fight the war on terror

Dear President Bush,
First of all, I know and admire the fact that you are a man of action, not a man of words, who prefers clearing brush to reading. So I hope this letter reaches you, or at least that a summary of the letter reaches you in the form of a PDB (presidential Daily briefing.) I sincerely hope this letter isn’t brushed aside as a “historical document”. I also know you are a man who takes national security seriously. Which is why you must support this “anti-terrorism” bill. Of course not all Mexicans are bad
people. And they do make great food. But they have historically posed a threat to our national security. They have committed acts of violence and acts of terror throughout history. I know I don’t need to remind you of the horrible events of 4/25/1846, when Mexicans attacked U.S. troupes south of the Texas border, starting America’s first war on terror, also known as the Mexican American War. Or the perpetual anti-American Montezuma’s revenge campaign that Mexico continues to launch against our values and our bowels. We can’t just sit back while Mexican aliens plot their next attack in the U.S. What will it take to convince you to take this threat seriously, Mr. President? I fear that by the time you realize the gravity of the situation it will be too late. A group of undocumented and exploited Mexican gardeners will have already driven their lawnmowers into the pentagon.

Love,
Katie

Clergy: What would Jesus Do?
Dear Clergy,
As you know this bill makes it a crime for any social services workers (social workers, advocates, Clergy) to provide services, shelter, or transportation to illegal aliens. Thank G_d!

I ask you, what would Jesus do? There is no evidence whatsoever that Jesus would have supported an amnesty policy for immigrants. The New Testament shows Jesus fraternizing with prostitutes, dining with sinners, healing lepers. If Jesus wanted to show us that immigration was a good thing, wouldn’t he have cured an immigrant? Wouldn’t he have hired an immigrant to clean his feet? Wouldn’t he have broken tortilla with an immigrant family? One could argue that Jesus himself was an immigrant, wandering from Jerusalem, to Galilee, to Nazareth, to Bethlehem. But Jesus was special. He had certain rights that immigrants don’t. When I meet an immigrant who can walk on water, then I’ll be convinced he deserves entry into our great country. It will also make it much easier for him to enter the country, because he won’t have to swim.

So clergy members, when an immigrant arrives on your doorstep, ask yourself WWJD. Do the Christian thing: turn him away, and spread the gospel to the INS. Besides you’re actually helping the immigrant. We all know that it’s easier for a camel to pass through the eye of the needle than it is for a rich man to go through the gates of heaven. If we deport the immigrants, they’ll have no chance of upward mobility, it will be impossible for them to escape poverty and become middle class, let alone rich. And only then will they have a chance to get into heaven. So really, by deporting an immigrant, you’re giving him the greatest gift possible: salvation.

Love,
Katie

Everyone else opposed to HR (Immigrant activists and communists and liberals and gays and Jews): Don’t be hypocrites

Dear deviants,
I know you all love to travel to Mexico, to site see, to take language immersion classes, to celebrate the solstice, work with the Zapatistas in Chiapas etc. You leave the United States and go to Mexico because it’s fun, right? Well, why shouldn’t Mexicans be allowed/ forced to leave the United States too? Why shouldn’t they be allowed/ forced to go to Mexico for some r and r? Besides, would you be happy if all the Mexicans came here? No Mexicans would be there to teach you Spanish. No indigenous communities would be struggling for self determination. In other words, you’d have no excuse to visit Mexico. Your vacation plans would be ruined. So don’t be a hypocrite. You know you like being in Mexico and so should the Mexicans. And you know you wouldn’t like Mexico if there weren’t any Mexicans there.

Sincerely,
Katherine Rose Halper

Russ Feingold: one crazy Jew!

2006-04-06T13:02:00.000-07:00

Russ Feingold: You’re insane. Or, as your people would say, you're "mashugga"

Russ Feingold’s resolution to censure our President for a little friendly domestic spying reveals once again, that this Wisconsin senator is way out of touch with mainstream America. He’s even too left for the radical Left wing Communist, I mean Democrat Party. The only people who are behind this crazy Jew’s call for censure are fellow nuts Patrick Leahy of Vermont, Tom Harkin of Iowa, and Barbara Boxer of California. Well, Patrick Leahy is so crazy and off kilter,
he even prompted the always charming and civil vice-president to tell him to "f#$& off." If you need more evidence that Feingold’s call is nothing more than Pinko propaganda, look who else is supporting censure: John Dean! The bleeding heart liberal/ former Nixon council, who defended Nixon during the Watergate hearings! Dean testified
before the Senate Judiciary Committee that Bush should indeed be censured because "the president needs to be reminded that separation of powers does not mean an isolation of powers.” As if this cast of commie characters isn’t impressive enough, let’s add one more to the mix: Bruce Fein, the conservative legal scholar who worked under Reagan. He testified that Bush’s interpretation of the law "is not just wrong, but preposterous.”

If only Karl Marx were alive today. I’m sure he’d be supporting the resolution of his co-member of the tribe too! Crazy lefties of the world, Unite! You have nothing to lose but your votes!

Reading + Math - foreign language - art - history = No Child Left Behind = A better America

2006-04-01T13:34:00.000-08:00

The other day I read an article in the Communist newspaper The New York Times, entitled "Schools Cut Back Subjects to Push Reading and Math." Thanks to the President's "No Child Left Behind Act," and its emphasis on testing and accountability in certain subjects, several schools are reducing or eliminating the amount of class time spent on subjects besides reading and math. Since this child friendly bill punishes schools if their students "fall behind" in math and reading, what's the point of teaching superfluous and irrelevant subjects like science, history, foreign languages, or art? But what do those frilly courses have to do with education? As long as America's children now how to read and how to multiply, they're set, and America is set.

+ If you know your history, you'll know the old truism: "Those who cannot learn from mathematics and reading are doomed to repeat them." So true.

+ Even singer Sam Cooke was for No Child Left behind. In his pro-No Child Left Behind manifesto entitled "Wonderful World" Cooke said: Don't know much about history/ don't know much biology/ don't know about a science book/ not know much about the French I took/ But I do know that I love you/ And I know that if you loved me too/ What a onderful world this would be. He didn't need to know science, foreign languages, or history to know he was in love, and to know what a wonderful world this could be. But if he hadn't known how to read or add, you can bet he could never have even written that song, or figured out how much his record cost. If Sam were here today, he'd be advocating No Child Left Behind, and he'd be singing against wasting class time on art, history, science, and perhaps, worst of all, music.

Some students complain about learning nothing but math and reading and claim it's counterproductive. One bratty cry baby eighth greater said:

"I hate having two math classes in a row. Two hours of math is too much. I can't concentrate that long."

This student takes two math classes back to back, each morning. And he still managed to fail one of them. So we can't really take what he says seriously, can we? For the most part, kids are loving studying nothing but math and reading. Don't listen to me. Listen to the vice-principal at King Junior High, located in a poor neighborhood in Sacramento, which has narrowed its curriculum: "Most students are not complaining about being miserable." This vice president is obviously "down" and in touch with her student population. She even knows how they speak. She herself is fluent in street: "I've only had about two students come to my office and say: 'What in the world? I'm just taking two courses?' " So in the words of our children: "What in the World" are the critics of No Child Left behind smoking?

Why Gay-less Gaelic festivities make sense!

2006-03-17T18:14:00.000-08:00

Newly elected city council speaker Christine Quinn has her shamrock-pattern panties all up in bunch. The openly Irish-American and gay speaker will not participate in the St. Patrick's Day Parade to protest the organizers' policy against gays and lesbians marching. Well you know what, Christine? They didn't want you marching anyway. Duh. Besides, in an interview in the Irish Times, John T. Dunleavy made argument against gay marching nobody can deny: "If an Israeli group wants to march in New York, do you allow neo-Nazis into their parade? If African-Americans are marching in Harlem, do they have to let the Ku Klux Klan into their parade?" In all fairness, he does have a point. Long before the Nazi'’s eliminated 6 million Jews, and the KKK terrorized thousands of blacks in Jim Crow South, the gays starved one million Irish to death, during the great potato famine,
stealing their only crop, in a sinister plot to make the world'’s most fabulous rosemary-infused potato shallot souffle ever. Never O'gain!

Hey Shane, It's Katie, Bette's friend

2006-02-27T09:24:00.000-08:00

Dear Shane,
Hi, it's me Katie, Bette's friend. I'm sure Bette has already told you about me and that we've been writing back and forth, and that our conversations have been really helpful. I gave her some great advice and she followed it and seems to be doing really well. So I hope you don't mind, but I wanted to give you some advice too.

Shane, I think you're really cool. You're a really solid, great friend. If I didn't have Bette to turn to in times of need, I would definitely choose you (or Alice).

You've really pulled yourself together. Your hair is looking god and you're dressing well. Thank the lord almighty that you ditched that longer awkward farrah fawcettesque but stringy shag, and threw out that long sleeved lace up shirt with a plunging v-neck. You wore that shirt all the time. And it just wasn't you. It was pretty painful to look at. As Lesbianologist Liz Dahmen once pointed out, "bad girls don't wear shirts like that." They certainly don't. Not that you're a bad person Shane, just a "bad girl" in that sexy mischievous way.

I'm a little nervous about your weight, but Bette assures you that you eat like a horse. And I trust Bette.

Shane, I'm not writing to you because I think you may be anorexic.

I'm writing to you because I think your relationship with "Carmen de la pica Morales" is unhealthy.

The other night when you were "distracted," I think I know why. I think on an intuitive level you know that Carmen is not being totally honest with you.

This is really hard for me to tell you this… but Carmen's been lying to you. She's not even Mexican. She's Iranian.
Or Persian, whichever you prefer. She's even related to the Shah. I'm not kidding. This ethnicity helps explain why her accent is so bad when she speaks to her "madre" in Spanish, and why she looks nothing like her relatives. Shane, it's not your fault. Don't blame yourself. You don't speak Spanish. How could you know? (But now that I've told you, it did sound a lot like farsi, didn't it?)

She's also lying about her gold star (never been with a man) status. Carmen was a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader. You find me a gold star former cheerleader, and I'll find a bridge to sell you. But then again Shane, let's be honest, you're not quite as golden as you'd like to think. You show me a former prostitute who pretends to be a boy for male johns, and I'll show you another bridge to buy.

I don't know if I should tell you this, but Carmen is rubbing your face in her penchant for penis. The spanish name she made up literally means "Carmen of the dick Morales." No joke.

Carmen also had a nose job, as confirmed by Negin Farsad, who has seen that exact model on several Persian faces. So basically, even Carmen's face is a lie.

Not only is Carmen a dishonest fake, pseudo Mexican, self loathing Persian, who has know she's as dumb as a bag of bricks. She doesn't understand that you can't blame somebody for something you dreamed that they did. She literally doesn't get that you didn't do what she dreamed you did. She thinks you went into her head when she was sleeping and had sex with Sherry.

If you need to reach me, Bette has my info.

Take care Shane,
Katie

Hey Bette, It's Katie (again)

2006-02-26T22:22:00.000-08:00

Bette,
Sorry I'm just writing you now. I've been really busy. We have a lot of catching up to do.

First of all, you are such naughty girl. I can't believe you did that to Alice in the opera. You never told me. It must have been before we were friends.

It's so nice when a friend listens to one's advice. So thank you for letting me help you. I now how pig-headed you can be (that's why I love you) so it means even more to me that you're taking my advice. I've outlined the 3 most important Katie-induced changes below

A) keeping that gorgeouse mint green shirt you bought for yoga. You looked great in it when you wore it to the planet last weekend. I tend to not mix my yoga and non yoga clothes, but you can get away with it. You can get away with anything as far as I'm concerned. And if you want me to tell that to tina, I will. Now just to clarify, you CAN wear the strapless green satin bra under your shirt when you are NOT doing yoga. When you wear the shirt out, we'll call it "planet mode" then the strapless is fine. But don't let me catch you doing any exercise in a strapless.

B) I'm not positive, but it looks like you followed my other yoga related advice, and went out and bought yourself a decent sports bra. When I saw you today with those new age-y and Asian people at the Yoga retreat in Washington you looked supported. But you were just walking around in circles so I can't be sure. When I see you do a downward facing dog or a warrior pose I'll be able to make a better judgement.

C) You're not taking crap for Tina. Today you really put your foot down. How dare she visit your sister without your permission. It was so nice of you to give her Kit-visitation rights.

Speaking of Kit, I don't have her info but could you tell her your friend Katie thinks she should stop straightening her hair. I know she's going through a hard time with menopause on the one hand and a young white man on the other, but the irony is that she looks older with her hair straightened. She needs to re-embrace the curl (beleive me, I myself have been there.) Tell her how great my advice to you was, and she'll probably be really receptive.

Speak soon,
Katie

Help Ted!

2006-02-15T12:55:00.000-08:00

This schizophrenic whether has been making me think a lot about global warming, even though the scientific jury is still out on "whether" it really exists. It's also been making me think a lot about one of my favorite Senators ever. Ted Stevens. I'm worried about Ted. He's been losing a noble and uphill battle to legalize drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Preserve for 25 long years.

And the frustration with the Senate’s inability to recognize the need for killing polar bears is taking its toll on this great Senator. The last time the Senate stopped a bill that would have permitted this drilling, a defeated Stevens opened up his heart to the American people: "I'm seriously depressed, unfortunately, clinically depressed. And I've been told that's because I've been at this too long." As much as it would have pained me to see Stevens step down, as much as I would miss seeing the Incredible Hulk tie he wears on the days the Senate votes on his bills, perhaps, I thought, it was indeed time for Stevens to spend less time in the public sphere fighting for his country and more time on his personal life, treating his own clinical depression.

Things have only gotten worse for Ted. When Ted's bill to allow for drilling, which he carefully tucked into a defense budget bill, failed in December, his depression returned. He said, "This is the saddest day of my life." This guy lived through the Depression, fought in World War II, and lost his 1st wife. But he is so selflessly committed TO doing what is in the best interest of his country, and not in his own self interest, that for this noble Senator, the saddest day of his life was when the Senate announced it would not open up the wildlife reserve to drilling for oil. I was sure that Ted Stevens would finally step down and treat the depression that had clutched him for the 37 years he has been in the senate when I heard him say: "It's a day I don't want to remember. I say goodbye to the Senate tonight. Thank you very much."

But Senator Stevens is a fighter and he returned to the senatorial ring stronger than ever. The last time Senate voted against Stevens' anti- polar bear bill the senator promised revenge: "You bet your bottom dollar I'll remember [this vote]. If I ever give my word, I keep it. I'm mad enough to eat nails right now, to have people not keep their word to me."

And this time Stevens is starting an information campaign to shame those who dared vote against his brilliant endeavor to drill for oil in a nature reserve in his own state: “I’m going to go to every one of your states, and I'm going to tell them what you've done. This was wrong."

But Senator Stevens cannot do this alone. He needs our help. I'm organizing a Ted Stevens Save the Bill to kill wildlife campaign.

Here are the ways you can help

1) Send donations towards the Ted-mobile, a hummer covered in polar bear fur which Ted will drive in from state to state.

2) Send gas donations, because this Ted-mobile is a real gas guzzler

3) send a card I'm encouraging all people who stand with senator Stevens to send him cards of sympathy, for the death of his bill, as well as cards of encouragement, support, and appreciation so that he will continue to struggle for what is right, what is good.

Separated at birth: rob corddry and leisha hailey

2006-02-12T20:13:00.000-08:00

A personal Plea to Bette Porter

2006-02-12T09:05:00.000-08:00

Dear Bette,
I am your biggest fan. You are smart, beautiful, sexy, loyal, principled, and strong. Like a fine wine, you have only improved with age and you’re even more stunning today than you were 20 years ago when you worked as a welder/exotic dancer in Pittsburg.

Your sister is a mess,
but your late father was Ossie Davis, which is pretty impressive and which explains your principles and your concern with social justice. Even your flaws are your strengths. Who doesn’t love the vein under your eye that bulges slightly when you’re sad or angry? And don’t even get me started on those smoldering doe eyes. You’re so much prettier than all of your friends. Look at how you outshine your friend Jenny, who is an annoying pretentious troll who thinks she's cool because she wears ugly glasses on purpose, by the way, and who doesn’t deserve your friendship. You are so smart, you totally kicked ass when you testified in congress about freedom of speech and art.

It is because I love you so much, that I feel like I have to be totally honest with you. I’m worried about you Bette. Are you OK? I’m very disturbed by the way Tina is treating you. I’ve never understood your relationship. You are so much cooler than Tina. Physically, intellectually, you are so out of her league. I’ve kept my mouth shut about Tina for the last 3 years. Because even though she is stupid, boring, and not hot, at least she was a supportive and nice, boring, stupid, not hot partner to you. But this is no longer the case. For the 1st time in the seven year history of your relationship, Tina is the breadwinner.
Well Bette, I think that’s fair. You’ve been supporting Tina for all these years. Even your family fotos (see above) capture how Tina has leaned on you for all these years. She should feel what it’s like to take care of her partner and you deserve to be taken care of for once. Unfortunately, Tina is acting like a spoiled bratty ingrate.

Bette, I’m really glad you’ve started doing yoga. I think it is really going to help you clear your head. And you totally deserve that nice mint green yoga shirt that Tina hassled you about. Instead of telling Tina to shove it, you took off the shirt. I was disappointed that you capitulated. This is not the Bette Porter I know and love. But even more disturbing was seeing that you were wearing a mint green satin strapless bra. Bette, you are too smart and practical to wear a strapless bra to do yoga. Buy yourself a sport bra, for god’s sake. And don’t let me find you doing aerobics in a strapless bra. You have a great rack but gravity is gravity and even your set will not survive. Look at these gems! (lesbians, close your eyes. This picture was taken before Bette realized she was a lesbian, so whatever.)

Bette, after you buy yourself a sports bra and do some yoga, please call Senator Barbara Grisham and go visit her in Washington. If there’s as much chemistry between the two of you as I think there is, move to DC. You deserve a partner who is your intellectual equal, who is socially and politically engaged and committed, not some airhead who hasn’t worked in years and who got her job because the woman she was sleeping with gave it to her. And if you get that job in the Whitney, which you totally deserve, you can go back and forth between D.C. and New York.

And what is Tina thinking? What was that broach she was wearing when she was driving around in the golf cart on the film set? I know he’s confused and missing the ole hot beef injection, but really. Our good friend SB thinks this was Tina’s “straight outfit.” I don’t even know.

Anyway Bette… That’s it. I hope I haven’t offended you. But friends need to be honest with their friends and the people they love. If you come to New York for interviews for the Whitney, or if you just want to visit, you can totally stay with me. E-mail or call me.

Love,
Katie

Let's Tawk About Sex on Feb 13

2006-02-10T22:18:00.000-08:00

Don't spend the day before Valentines Day Alone...

Red Diaper Baby Presents
Ante-Valentines Day
Katie Halper
with special guests Negin Farsad and Una Osato
Celebrate the day before Valentines day ("ante-Valentines Day" get it?) with stories of love, woe, sex and... OBGYNs

Monday Feb 13 @ 8PM
@ The Tank @ 279 Church (btwn white and franklin)
$5

Laughing Liberally @ Town Hall this Saturday, Feb 4

2006-01-31T22:08:00.000-08:00

A long time ago I asked my dear friend Corky St. Clair (see attachment)
"What does this [Laughing Liberally show] mean, Corky?"
And he responded "It means we may be going to Broadway!" And Corky, as
usual, was right.

So come celebrate Alito's confirmation at Laughing Liberally on Broadway. For real. At Town Hall. And we just found out that Mort Saul, the
grandfather of political comedy, is making an introductory video for us!

Bring your friends and fam and feel free to forward the e-mail!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sat Feb 4th
8:30
$15

xo,
Katie

Come see the public kickoff event of Laughing Liberally, a comedy show that sets out to "save democracy, one laugh at a time" at Town Hall in New York City. The show will feature established and emerging comic voices of the left, as well as video and musical segments.

Laughing Liberally at Town Hall promises to be a two hour romp of smart comedy and entertainment.

N.B. A seating section will be reserved for indicted politicians and their lawyers.

FEATURING:
Rick Overton (Dennis Miller Live),
Jim David (Tough Crowd),
Julie Goldman (HBO's Sopranos & VH-1),
Dean Obeidallah (Air America & Winner of Spirit of Bill Hicks Award),
with Katie Halper & Baratunde Thurston
Videos by DNEXT.com and MoveOn.org
Music with Jamie Jackson
With an introduction by Mort Saul

Tickets: $15-50
Buy Online: http://laughingliberally.com/tickets/index.html
Phone Charge: 212-730-2423
Tickets can also be purchased at The Town Hall Box Office (123 W. 43rd Street)from 12pm-6pm Monday-Saturday.

Alito's Cock: Additional reporting by Beth Baltimore

2006-01-15T18:42:00.000-08:00

It is surely a testament to his weighty intellect, or big head, that Samuel Alito's head is constantly cocked. The judge is incapable of keeping a straight head. He is cockheaded. I did some research and found that he started cocking his head as a young boy. You won't believe me, but this is a photo of Alito has a young cocked-head Alito.

As you can see, Alito has maintained this cocked posture over the years.

Alito bit of courtroom drama

2006-01-15T16:29:00.000-08:00

What exactly was going through Martha Anne Alito’s head when she burst into tears and ran out of her husband’s hearing? We may never know. But I have a few ideas. In order to fully understand how the tragic story transpired, we must look back at Alito’s paper trail. Unlike John Roberts, Samuel Alito left a treasure trove of incriminating documents. Alito wrote in a 1985 memo, for example, that he “personally believed very strongly” that "the Constitution does not protect a right to an abortion.”

He was proud enough of his membership in Concerned Alumni of Princeton (an organization that was so opposed to the admission of women and minorities, Bill Frist made sure to distance himself from it) to include it on a job application. Always judicous, fair and legal minded, Alito is equally dismissive of women and people of color. He even wrote: "I am particularly proud of my contributions in recent cases in which the government argued that racial and ethnic quotas should not be allowed and that the Constitution does not protect a right to an abortion."

Alito had an understandably difficult time answering the questions posed to him by the Democrat senators on the judicial committee. When Chuck Schumer asked Alito if he still he believed that abortion was not protected by The Constitution, Alito could do nothing but evade the question and talk in circles.

SEN. CHARLES SCHUMER:
Judge Alito, in 1985 you wrote that “the Constitution” -- these are your words -- “does not protect a right to an abortion.” And you said… that those words accurately reflected your view at the time. Now let me ask you, do they accurately reflect your view today? Do you stand by that statement? Do you disavow it? Do you embrace it?

JUDGE SAMUEL ALITO: Senator, it was an accurate statement of my views at the time. That was in 1985, and I made it from my vantage point as an attorney in the Solicitor General's office, but it was an expression of what I thought at that time. If the issue were to come before me as a judge, if I'm confirmed, and if this issue were to come up, the first question that would have to be addressed is the question of stare decisis, which I've discussed earlier, and it's a very important doctrine, and that was the starting point and the ending point of the joint opinion in Casey. And then, if I were to get beyond that, if the court were to get beyond the issue of stare decisis, then I would have to go through the whole judicial decision-making process before reaching a conclusion.

SEN. CHARLES SCHUMER: But, sir, I am not asking you about stare decisis. I'm not asking you about cases. I'm asking you about this: the United States Constitution. As far as I know, it's the same as it was in 1985, with the exception of the 27th Amendment, which has nothing to do with what we're talking about. Regardless of case law, in 1985 you stated -- you stated it proudly, unequivocally, without exception -- that the Constitution does not protect a right to an abortion. Do you believe that now?

JUDGE SAMUEL ALITO: The answer to the question is that I would address that issue in accordance with the judicial process, as I understand it and as I have practiced it. That's the only way I can answer that question.

SEN. CHARLES SCHUMER: Well, okay, I know you're not going to answer the question. I didn't expect really that you would, although I think it would be important that you would. I think it's part of your obligation to us that you do, particularly that you stated it once before, so any idea that you're approaching this totally fresh, without any inclination or bias, goes by the wayside. But I do have to tell you, Judge, your refusal I find troubling.

Even more embarrassing, was Alito’s “response” to Senator Leahy’s questions about the judge’s membership in Concerned Alumni of Princeton (CAP)

SEN. PATRICK LEAHY: “[y]ou proudly, in 1985… in your job application proudly put that you were a member of it, a member of Concerned Alumni at Princeton University… why, in heaven's name, Judge, with your background and what your father faced, why in heaven's name were you proud of being part of C.A.P.?

JUDGE SAMUEL ALITO: Well, Senator, I have racked my memory about this issue, and I really have no specific recollection of that organization. But since I put it down on that statement, then I certainly must have been a member at that time. But if I had been actively involved in the organization in any way, if I had attended meetings or been actively involved in any way, I would certainly remember that. And I don't.

Wow Judge Alito! That makes Clinton’s “I did not inhale excuse” look totally legitimate. It’s almost as good as your excuse for not recusing yourself from a case involving the Vanguard Group a company in which you held $390,000 in mutual funds: a “computer glitch”!

The only thing Alito could do besides lie and evade the questions was remind the senators that he came from a hard working Italian/ Italian-American family. We know. You’ve told us this before. I can recite Samuel Sr. and Rose’s biographies by heart. We know you’re Italian-American. We’ve seen your wife’s suits.

So Alito can’t defend himself. And the Republicans on the committee can’t offer any real evidence to challenge the damning claims of the Democrats. So the Republican senators have adopted a two prong strategy.

1) Hyperbolize everything that the democrats have said

2) Turn the hyperbole into the form of a rhetorical question AND actually have Alito give an answer, thus rendering the question unrhetorical.

Examples include Senator Orin Hatch’ slamming Alito with the tough question: “So let me just ask you directly, on the record, are you against women and minorities attending colleges?” To which Alito, surprisingly, responded “Absolutely not, Senator, no." A sceptical Hatch replied: "Now, I felt that that would be your answer, I really did. It's a good question though, it's one that kind of overcomes the implications that you were."

Lindsey Graham’s questions were responsible for Mrs. Alito’s breakdown. Graham reamed Alito with, "Are you really a closet bigot?" The good Judge said "I am not any kind of bigot. I'm not.” And Graham finished with: "No, sir, you're not.... You seem to be a decent, honorable man." Hearing someone call your husband an “honarable” “decent” man would make even the most stoic of women cry.

But really, how stupid is Alito’s wife if she fails to realize that Lindsey Graham doesn’t REALLY think her husband’s a bigot? That he’s making fun of the DEMOCRATS’ claim that Alito is a bigot, and defending him as “decent and honorable.”

There are only two possible scenarios to explain Mrs. Alito’s outburst.

1) Knowing her husband bigoted ways better than anyone else, she heard the word “bigot,” doesn’t know that Graham is a Republican, has never encountered sarcasm, assumed her husband was finally being outed, and freaked out because now she would never be Mrs. Supreme Court.

2) This was a sinister plan gone all wrong. Knowing that his bigotry is well documented in court cases, memos, statements etc. Alito came up with a strategy to deflect attention from his bigotry. The plan was hatched as follows

ALITO: “You and I both know I’m a bigot. But that can’t get into the news. So we have to cause some kind of distraction whenever anyone accuses me of being racist, sexist or bigotted.”

MRS. ALITO: “I could start a fire, judge.”

MRS. ALITO: “No Mrs. Alito, you cannot start a fire. You’ll be sitting behind me during the hearings and if you started a fire you’d be caught on camera. The husband of a pyronmaniac could never get confirmed. I know, whenever you hear the word racist, sexist, or bigot, burst into tears and run out of the room. It will be a great distraction. And we’ll win sympathy points.”

But the usually thorough judge was not strict enough in his language. What he needed to say was “Whenever you hear the word racist, sexist, or bigot, from the mouth of a Democratic senator speaking in earnest, and keep your eye on Kennedy in particular, burst into tears and run out of the room. But don’t do anything if you hear the word racist, sexist, or bigot, from the mouth of a Republican senator speaking in jest.
So when Mrs. Alito heard the word bigot come out of Senator Graham’s mouth, she, as programmed, burst into tears and ran out of the room.

How to rock it like Joe Biden

2006-01-14T13:16:00.000-08:00

Judge Alito’s hearing gives us so much to talk about. But let’s start with the most pressing, newsworthy, dramatic issue: Joe Biden’s hair. What is up wit the Delaware senator’s hair? It’s insane. It’s OOC (out of control). To attain the coiff, which I’m coining the JB, you must do the following

1) tease your hair
2) comb it forward
3) comb it back
4) flip out the back with a blow dryer or curling iron

I was a little nervous that the JB would be ruined when Biden put on a Princeton Tigers hat during the hearing. But the great thing about the JB is that it looks fantastic in a hat, and is immune to hat head syndrome.

A similar hairdo can be found on Al Sharpton. Let’s hope this shared hairdo represents a new united front among democrats.

Thank G_d for Bill O’Reilly

2006-01-12T18:29:00.000-08:00

I assume that if you are reading this you are anti-war. I'm sure that we are all actively fighting against the war on christmas. But even the most committed crusader can get overwhelmed during the holiday, I mean CHRISTmas season. You're wiped out, you're tired, you're running around shopping and spending time with our families and spouses (NOT with our “partners” “significant others” etc.) Who has the time or energy to keep track of where people stand on the war? Luckily, the prestigious, meticulous investigative reporter Bill O’Reilly finds the truth so that we don't have to.

(Christmas has passed, but you can use this as a guide for Christmas next year-- if the holiday is still around-- and for every day shopping.)

The brave anti-spin pro-Christmas journalist tells us which stores refuse to say Merry Christmas and insist on saying Happy Holidays or even Seasons Greetings. This is Bill’s warning of where such godless advertising can lead

[B]ecause if you look at what happened in Western Europe and Canada, if you can get religion out, then you can pass secular progressive programs, like legalization of narcotics, euthanasia, abortion at will, gay marriage, because the objection to those things is religious-based, usually.

Which is why we must support stores with Merry Christmas signs and picket in front of, divest from, and shut down stores with less Christian greetings.

O’Reilly lays out the methodology behind his study: “We continue our reporting on which American stores are using "Christmas" in advertising this Christmas season and which are not.”
O’Reilly divides the stores into two categories: “using” and “not using” the word Christmas. If stores do not respond to O’Reilly’s inquiry, they are placed in the “not using category”

So far, here's the list. OK, using -- you can see JCPenney's, Macy's, Bloomingdale's, Dillard's. Not using, there they are. Now, Kohl's, still giving us a hard time, but their advertising has been all "Happy Holidays" so I don't know what they want. The company says the clerks are free to say "Merry Christmas." Yeah, OK, that's nice. Again, this investigation is designed to spotlight retailers who have knocked the word "Christmas" out of the Christmas season. We're not too interested with the word "merry." Don't really care about "merry."

Especially scary is the revelation that toy stores are “not using.” We are dealing with an enemy that is so sick and perverse it is trying to take Christmas away from the Children:

“On the toy store front, here's what we found out. Toys "R" Us simply is not going to answer our questions, so we assume that means they're not using "Merry Christmas." Not using for sure, KB Toys and FAO Schwarz.

In summary, we CAN and MUST shop at
JCPenney's, Macy's, Bloomingdale's, Dillard's

We CANNOT and MUST NOT shop at
Kohl's
Toys "R" Us
KB Toys
FAO Schwarz

But if you’re really in a crunch, shop at FAO Schwarz before Toys R Us and KB toys because at least “FAO Schwarz says that their people in the store can shout "Merry Christmas" as loud as they want.”

If you really want to put your money where your mouth is and support Christmas as well as a pro-Christmas martyr/ warrior, you can always shop at the O’Reilly Store (AKA The O’Reilly Christmas store, during Christmas)at http://www.billoreilly.com/store
That way you’re defending two things endangered species being hunted down by gay Jewish liberal secularists: Christmas and Straight White Men.

At the on-line O’Reilly store you’ll find great gifts like the No-Spin MiroFiber jacket, No Spin polo,
The O’Reilly Factor Tote bag, and the must-have “What say you” t-shirt. The “Spin Stops Here Tin filled with soft mint puffs” is sure to please.
If you’re shopping for someone with a sense of humor be sure to get them the hysterical “don’t be a pinhead” bumper sticker. And if you’re shopping for an entire family why not buy a hat set with a “no Spin Dad” hat for dad and a “No Spin Grandpa” from gramps. Unfortunately, there are no “No Spin mom” or “No Spin Grandma” hats, but chances are they’d prefer a tote bag or the soft pint puffs.

Need to shop for the kids? No problem. They’ll love the Bill O’Reilly Jigsaw puzzle, and they’ll love getting tucked into a Spin stops here fleece blanket. And the youth go crazy over The O’Reilly Factor for Kids, especially autographed hardcover copies.

When ordering for the kids, make sure you don’t buy Bill’s moving and memorable thriller “Those who Trespass” because it contains some inappropriate passages.

Stripping off her bathing-suit, she walked into the huge shower. She pulled the lime green curtain across the entrance and then set the water for a tepid 75-degrees. The spray felt great against her skin as she ducked her head underneath the nozzle. Closing her eyes she concentrated on the tingling sensation of water flowing against her body. Suddenly another sensation entered. Ashley felt two large hands wrap themselves around her breasts and hot breathe on the back of her neck. She opened her eyes wide and giggled, "I thought you drowned out there snorkel man."

Tommy O'Malley was naked and at attention. "Drowning is not an option", he said, "unless of course you beg me to perform unnatural acts right here in this shower.

Merry Christmas!

Condi Clears up “Kidnapping” nonsense

2005-12-27T20:14:00.000-08:00

It is more than a little ironical that liberals, who are supposed to care so much about language and reading and what not, are getting their panties all up in a bunch about the "kidnapping" of terrorists. Left-Wing Conspiracy nuts like Amnesty International and Human Rights Watch have argued that the United States has kidnapped suspected terrorists, and rendered them to countries where they can be tortured. But if these people took 5 minutes to apply their critical thinking and Jewish post-modern theory to the New York Times they're already reading, they'd realize that The United States is not, by any stretch of the imagination, "kidnapping" anyone. Just listen to Condoleeza Rice, who you all should love since she fulfills 2 quotas, (maybe 3, but the jury's still out on that on.)

Rice admitted that the United States had moved terrorist suspects to third countries to be "questioned, held or brought to justice." There's a big difference between that and being kidnapped.

And, as Condoleeza points out, "The US Government does not authorize or condone torture of detainees." nu-duh!

In fact, Condoleeza Rice could not be more passionate in her rejection of torture: '"Where appropriate, the United States seeks assurances that transferred persons will not be tortured." Condoleeza's disgust is visceral.

Why, you may ask, is it necessary to take prisoners from one country to another, if it's not to torture them? Why were suspects moved from countries like Sweden, Germany, and Italy to be "questioned, held or brought to justice" in countries like Egypt, Syria and Afghanistan? It's simple. Rice explains: '"We must track down terrorists who seek refuge in areas where governments cannot take effective action, including where the terrorists cannot in practice be reached by the ordinary processes of law." Anyone who has ever traveled to Sweden, Germany and Italy knows these countries cannot be reached by the ordinary processes of law. Have you ever tried to question, hold or bring someone to justice in Europe. It's a total nightmare? Countries like Afghanistan, Syria, and Egypt are famous for their ordinary processes of law.

You Go Governator

2005-12-27T18:28:00.000-08:00

Dear Governator Schwarzenegger,

I'm writing to commend you on your denial of Stanley Tookie Williams' clemency request. Thank you for executing this former gang leader turned anti-gang activist (It's too bad that the lethal injection took 34 minutes, but what are you gonna do?).

You saw through his charade, his machinations, his lies, his pretensions to redemption. You asked, "Is Williams' redemption complete and sincere, or is it just a hollow promise?" Of course it was a hollow promise. We've all seen this before:

1. Gang leader is sent to death row
2. Gang leader goes through the motions of redemption:
a) publishes books and gives speeches on peaceful alternatives to gang membership
b) receives nominations for the Nobel Peace Prize
c) receives nominations for the Nobel Prize in Literature
d) wins the President's Call to Service Award in 2005

As a fair and balanced governator, you acknowledge Tookie's efforts in your denial: "Williams has written books that instruct readers to avoid the gang lifestyle and to stay out of prison. He has also recently tried to preach a message of gang avoidance and peacemaking, including a protocol for street peace to be used by opposing gangs." Yet as you explain in footnote number 5, "Williams' perennial nominations for the Nobel peace prize and Nobel prize in literature from 2001-2005 and the receipt of the President's Call to Service award in 2005 do not have persuasive weight in this clemency request."

Having starred in several violent movies, you have a special insight into the violent lifestyle, which allows you to ask tough questions: If Tookie is so committed to ending gang violence, why does gang violence still exist? If Tookie really cared about ending gang violence, wouldn't it be over by now? He has been writing books for ten years: "It is hard to assess the effect of such efforts in concrete terms, but the continued pervasiveness of gang violence leads one to question the efficacy of Williams' message." Exactly!

While Tookie was wasting his time writing ineffective pop psychology books and manuals such as the Tookie Speaks Out Against Gang Violence book series and Protocals for Peace, you were actually making a difference, using your art to preach positive messages to America's youth. Who can forget the way Twins addressed sibling rivalry, a theme nobody wanted to touch with a 6 foot pole, nobody, that is, but you and Danny DeVito. Or the way you showed men that it was OK to be teachers through your role as Detective John Kimble in Kindergarten Cop. Or the gender norms you challenged in your portrayal of the pregnant Dr. Hesse in Junior. We will never know how many youth you saved during the three years you sat on George Herbert Walker Bush's Council on Physical Fitness and Sports

And from the beginning of your career you encouraged young people to be comfortable with their own bodies by posing frontally nude.

It is so noble of you to help black people solve their problems. As you state in footnote number 6: "Breaking the cycle of hopelessness and gang violence is the responsibility of us all, not just the most affected African American or inner city communities. It is important to work together with respect, understanding and patience if we are to one day succeed." A white Austrian action hero governor will help this community much more than a black man behind bars. Now that Tookie is dead, black people will be freed of his distractions, his claims of redemption, his unsuccessful attempts at ending gang violence. And they will instead be able to pay attention to the solutions and suggestions you offer the black community.

Of course redemption is possible. But it is possible for the few. It is obvious that Tookie could not redeem himself from gang leader to peace activist. But you Mr. Schwarzenegger, were able to redeem yourself from a sexually harassing, weight lifting, action hero to a thoughtful, insightful, governor, who has his finger on the pulse of the African American community. And for that as well, I commend you.

P.S. I know that your home town of Graz, Austria, removed your name from its sports stadium, which they had named after you in 1997, to protest your denial of clemency. You may not have a stadium in Graz, but you have a home in the best place on earth-- Sacramento, California, U,S, of A!. And I'm sure you wouldn't trade that in for anything in the world, least of all the approval of a bunch of girly men.

Sincerely,
Katherine Rose Halper

Happy 1000th execution USA!

2005-12-03T08:15:00.000-08:00

Friday, December 2nd marked a very special day for our country. We executed the 1000th person since reinstating the extremely constitutional death penalty 28 years ago. What makes this execution especially exciting is that the man executed, Kenneth Lee Boyd, 57, had an IQ of 77, just 2 points above the legal cut off for mental retardation. Boyd's lawyer tried to play the retard card, but thankfully the jury didn't fall into that trap and justice prevailed.

In an age when an increasing number of coward nations have abandoned capital punishment, it is invigorating to know that the United States of America is holding fast to its founding principles: life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness, and capital punishment. I am proud to stand shoulder to shoulder with other great nations committed to freedom and, by extension, capital punishment, such as Saudi Arabia, Zimbabwe, and Belarusia, which gets extra credit for being the only nation in Europe with courage to have the death penalty.

In a touching demonstration of solidarity and international cooperation, Singapore hanged a 25-year-old Australian drug mule. just hours before we executed Boyd.

The U.S. has reached an important milestone. Our freedom-loving allies, Vietnam, China, and Iran were the only countries who managed to execute more people than we did in 2004. That is only 3 countries, but that's 3 countries too many.

I'm Back from Spain/ Comedy show

2005-12-02T10:11:00.000-08:00

Dearest Friends,
I hope you were able to make it through the past 2 weeks with out me. The good news is I'm back from Spain, where I was screening my hi-larious documentary on a monument built by political prisoners under Franco. So let's celebrate by attending a political comedy show, shall we? I'll be sharing stories from Spain too.

Come on down to the Laughing Liberally Lab
www.laughingliberally.com
Today!
At a new non- Tank space

Friday, Dec 2
@ 11PM
45th street theater
354 West 45th street, 2nd floor
(btwn 9th and 10th)

Featuring Sean Crespo (National Lampoon, Satire for Sanity)
Negin Farsad (Sirius & Pacifica Radio)
Katie Halper (blah, blah, blah)

OK, so it's $10 BUT THAT INCLUDES FREE BEER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!